Category Archives: Russell

Late Submissions

These following submissions came to me well after the Monday at noon deadline for the Random Weekly Photo Experiment. However, since they came via the United States Post Office, I won’t hold it against 1st time contributor Russell Kennerly. RMK (as he is known in our email discussion group) is the first artist to submit drawings. I hope he has many more submissions in his pencil.


WEEK 10 - STILL LIFE - RUSSELL KENNERLY
Still Life

WEEK 16 - HANDS - RUSSELL KENNERLY
Hands

For those of you that don’t spend time at the Robot Monster Bros. website, Russell is also a very talented writer. I urge you to venture over there and read his short story, The Hitter.

Now I need to pick up some frames and get these bad boys on my wall. I’m think living room.

Roundball Oracles Year 7

“In the end, everything is a gag.”

– Charlie Chaplin

 

When it comes to college basketball prognostication, 2011 will be remembered as the Year of the Woman.

Not only did the Roundball Oracles crown our first ever champion from the fairer of the two sexes, three out of the top four finishers were also members of the female persuasion.

It was certainly a chaotic NCAA Tournament this year.  Consider these facts:

 

  • Before the Final Four was even played, our championship was already secured.
  • Only two people (Jesse and I) even got a single Final Four team right. We both got Connecticut right.
  • Our eventual champion’s national champion lost in the 1st Round.
  • 6 people picked Kansas as their champ, 4 picked Duke, 2 people picked Ohio State, 1 person picked Syracuse, 1 person picked UCLA, 1 person picked Michigan State, and 1 person picked BYU. None of those teams even made it to the Final Four.
  • Our eventual champion finished in last place last year.
  • Our 3 time defending champ finished in 2nd to last place this year.
  • Only Jesse got 1 of the teams in the championship game (Connecticut) right.

So who is the new Queen of College Basketball Divination?

 


Baier Family Photo Shoot - 2009


It is Carrie Baier!

 

The Final Standings

Name – Bracket Name – Points – Correct Games – Last Year

  1. Carrie Baier – Izzo – 100 points -41/63 – 21st
  2. Jesse Howard – MeatThermometer – 94 points  – 39/63 – 13th
  3. Linda Toot – LittleSister – 74 points – 38/63 – 9th
  4. Dawn Krause – Duh Winning – 73 points – 34/63 – 3rd
  5. Jason Baier – Duke the Fifth – 72 points – 35/63 – 7th
  6. Corey Faust – Always Go Top Shelf – 69 points – 34/63 – 4th
  7. Christopher D. Bennett – They Call Me Mr. Bennett – 63 points – 31/63 – 18th
  8. Robert Henning – Losing Bracket – 59 points – 32/63 – 8th
  9. Russell Kennerly – StackinWinsLikeJustinBeiber – 59 points – 31/63 – 17th
  10. Andree Jauhari – Floccinaucinihilipilification- 58 points – 31/63 – DNP
  11. Nate Buckingham – White Magic – 57 points – 33/63 – 9th
  12. Tim Peterson – Dominate Monkey – 57 points – 32/63 – 9th
  13. Lowell Davis – Golden voiced hobo lover – 53 points – 34/63 – DNP
  14. Nader Parsaei – Oscar – 51 points – 29/63 – 2nd
  15. Mark Wolfram – Taiwan Hawkeye – 26/63 – 1st
  16. Shaun Kirsch – Lil_Dog – 45 points – 29/63 – DNP
  17. Frank Meiners – Master Picks – 0 points – 0/63 -4th

 

If I were giving an award for the best bracket name, it would clearly go to Andree, but I am not. Perhaps next year.

 

Carrie’s name now sits in the Hall of Champions with the past greats:

Past Champions

2011 – Carrie Baier

2010 – Mark Wolfram

2009 – Mark Wolfram

2008 – Mark Wolfram

2007 – Tim Peterson

2006 – William McAlpine

2005 – William McAlpine

I already can’t wait for the next college basketball season to start and not only because I expect the Cyclones to return to greatness next year. At least I have the Spring Game to look forward to in a couple of weeks. It is football, but it is something.

Movie Review: Hall Pass

EDITOR’S NOTE: SINCE THE ORIGINAL PUBLICATION OF THIS BLOG IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT MONICA AND JEFF WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DELICIOUS FRUIT PIZZA. MY APOLOGIES FOR GIVING THE CREDIT TO DERRICK.
MovieHall Pass

Director: Bobby and Peter Farrelly (Dumb & Dumber, Kingpin, There’s Something About Mary)
Writer: Pete Jones, Peter Farrelly, Kevin Barnett, Bobby Farrelly
Starring: Owen Wilson (Wedding Crashers, The Royal Tenenbaums, Marley & Me), Jason Sudeikis (Going the Distance, What Happens in Vegas), Jenna Fischer (The Office, Blades of Glory, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story), Christina Applegate (Anchorman, Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead, Married with Children)

Theater – Cinemark Movies 12 – Ames, Iowa

Companion – Nader

Food – Okoboji Grill

Intellectual Honesty

I like Jenna Fischer. I thought that the trailer looked funny.

Baggage

Owen Wilson is pretty much always terrible unless he is in a Wes Anderson movie. The Farrelly brothers movies have been pretty blah since There’s Something About Mary.

Synopsis from IMDB

A married man is granted the opportunity to have an affair by his wife. Joined in the fun by his best pal, things get a little out of control when both wives start engaging in extramarital activities as well.

Review

Let’s face it, there really isn’t much to say about this movie. If you take out the Kathy Griffin jokes at the end of the movie, almost all the funniest parts are in the trailer.

Save the money and the time and watch the trailer.

Rating
1.5/5.0 Caramels

Buy on DVD
Nope.

2011 Ranking
I’ve seen two 2011 movies. It is the 2nd best. The other one I saw (The Dilemna) was nothing special either.

Bonus Information
I saw previews for several movies. They all look terrible. Thor. Cowboys & Aliens. The Hangover Part II. I wonder if Hollywood is even trying this year.

I got an email from Russell referring to me as Movie Man and asking kindly if he could get my opinions on the Oscars or if he would have to wait for a journal entry.

Since most people don’t possess the bravery of Russell, I’ll just paraphrase the email I sent to him about my Oscar experience.

I can’t complain about most categories besides Best Picture and Best Director.

Some of the people I was rooting for didn’t win (Michelle Williams and James Franco), but I can’t really argue with giving the Oscar to Natalie Portman and Colin Firth.

I was sad to see Randy Newman get an Oscar, but this was a pretty weak year for Original Song.

I prefer How to Train Your Dragon over Toy Story 3, but I knew that was a lost cause.

The King’s Speech is kind of a glorified made for TV movie with two exceptional performances.

It is a good movie, but not the best movie of the year. That was clearly The Social Network, but what I think happened is that the older members of the Academy just didn’t get The Social Network and they swung the vote for the much safer The King’s Speech.

Because of the type of movie he makes, I hope this wasn’t David Fincher’s last chance at an Oscar. But if it was, he’ll be in good company. Alfred Hitchcock and Stanley Kubrick and Orson Welles never won an Oscar (for director). However, one Alfred Hitchcock movie did win Best Picture. Rebecca if you really must know.

I was glad that The Kids are All Right didn’t win anything, but now I’m also having to re-watch it to figure out if I think the daughter in the movie is a lesbian or not. I was glad that Jeff Bridges didn’t win. Mumbling is not acting.

I would have been happy to see Amy Adams win, but I freely confess that Melissa Leo was better than her.

The Oscar Party I attended was successful and I had lots and lots of very tasty food. Derrick made some kind of shrimp and cream cheese dip kind of thing that was phenomenal. Plus he made fruit pizza, which is one of my all-time favorite foods. Plus Derrick also made a mean batch of little smokies. There was soup there as well, but I forgot to sample its undoubtable goodness.

I got to give Nader a ride in Jill’s Solstice and this seemed to be one of the biggest thrills of his life, so that was a bonus as well.

I don’t know that I really have an opinion on any of the speeches because truthfully I didn’t really pay much attention to any of them.

Everybody at the gathering seemed to agree that Kirk Douglas’ presentation was painful to sit through. I love you Spartacus, but that was almost as bad as watching Dick Clark on New Year’s.

I don’t have much of an opinion on the hosts. They weren’t so terrible that I noticed them, but they weren’t so funny that I’m dying to have them back. Jay seemed to like them. He said it was the best Oscars he had ever seen. I definitely wouldn’t go that far.

As far as fashion goes, I don’t really have opinions on fashion. So I will relay to you what the fashion expert Jill liked. She liked some of Anne Hathaway’s outfits. I can’t really remember which ones. She didn’t like the Black Swan looking one or the one blue one that looked like it was made of vinyl or the one that she was wearing at the end that made her look borderline naked. She did like Amy Adams’ bluish-sparkly dress. That is all I can recall of fashion conversations.

On an unrelated fashion note, Evie wore pajamas with guitars on them. They were clearly the fashion hit of the evening.

We also watched a little bit of Freakonomics afterward. I wanted Jen to watch it so I could show her the part on whether or not what you name your children has any effect on whether or not they are successful in life. It reminded me of her job.

More Bonus Information

I’ve been messing around with the website and I have added a few little dodads that you should checkout. For example all the pages except the home page have sidebars now. I’m still tinkering with the sidebars, but they currently include links to the last 5 Journal entries and the last 5 pictures I’ve uploaded to the Artistic Gallery. The header now changes as well. Although at this time, there are only two headers. There will be more in the future. I’ve also widened the website so that it looks better on widescreen monitors. I’ve also changed the menu system, but you probably won’t notice any changes in that respect. I’m sure I’m not done tinkering, but those are the recent changes.

Movie Reviews: Little Fockers and True Grit

Movie – Little Fockers

Director: Paul Weitz (American Pie, About a Boy, In Good Company)

Writers: John Hamburg (Meet the Parents, Zoolander, I Love You, Man) & Larry Stuckey

Starring: Ben Stiller (Meet the Parents, Zoolander, Greenberg), Robert De Niro (Taxi Driver, GoodFellas, Heat) & Teri Polo (Meet the Parents, Beyond Borders, Meet the Fockers)

Theater – Cinemark Movies 12 – Ames, Iowa

Companion – Nader

Food – Probably, can’t remember.

Intellectual Honesty

Meet the Parents is one of my favorite comedies ever. Meet the Fockers was an incredible disappointment. Ben Stiller is usually hilarious, but he does make some bad movies. Robert De Niro is one of my all-time favorites, but admittedly, not for comedies.

Baggage

I can’t stand Barbara Streisand.

Synopsis from IMDB

It has taken 10 years, two little Fockers with wife Pam (Polo) and countless hurdles for Greg to finally get “in” with his tightly wound father-in-law, Jack. After the cash-strapped dad takes a job moonlighting for a drug company, however, Jack’s suspicions about his favorite male nurse come roaring back. When Greg and Pam’s entire clan-including Pam’s lovelorn ex, Kevin (Owen Wilson)-descends for the twins’ birthday party, Greg must prove to the skeptical Jack that he’s fully capable as the man of the house. But with all the misunderstandings, spying and covert missions, will Greg pass Jack’s final test and become the family’s next patriarch…or will the circle of trust be broken for good?

Review

This isn’t really the type of movie that is easy to write about. It is a big improvement on Meet the Fockers, but it is nowhere near as good as Meet the Parents. All the usuals are back and are great in their roles. Owen Wilson’s Kevin character seems a little more forced than before and his part could have been trimmed considerably.

The movie is enjoyable enough, but it just isn’t terribly funny. It feels like we’ve seen all these jokes before, because we have. I don’t mind so much because I love the characters and the dynamics between Greg (Stiller) and Jack (De Niro) are lots of fun, but at the end of the day you feel like something funnier could have been made.

It is perfectly pleasant way to spend an evening, but I hoped for so much more than pleasant.

Rating
2.5/5 Caramels

Buy on DVD
Nope, but I will watch it when it is on television.

2010 Ranking

Doesn’t really deserve a ranking. I’ll have to be more proactive in my ranking system in 2011.

Bonus Information

I saw a preview for a movie starring Topher Grace and Anna Farris called Take Me Home Tonight. I am super pumped to see this movie. The fact that they lip sync to N.W.A.’s Straight Outta Compton is enough for me. I don’t even care what happens in the rest of the movie.

Movie – True Grit

Director: Coen Brothers (Fargo, Blood Simple, The Hudsucker Proxy, No Country for Old Men)

Writers: Coen Brothers (Raising Arizona, The Big Lebowski, O Brother, Where Art Thou?)

Starring: Jeff Bridges (Crazy Heart, Seabiscuit, King Kong), Hailee Steinfeld, & Matt Damon (Good Will Hunting, The Departed, The Bourne Identity)

Theater – Springwood 9 – Ankeny, Iowa

Companions – Andree, Baier and Russell

Food – China Buffet – Ankeny, Iowa

Intellectual Honesty

I’m a big fan of Matt Damon and have been since Good Will Hunting. I like Jeff Bridges a lot as well. I have been excited for this movie since the first time I saw the trailer and not just because the trailer features a Johnny Cash song.

Baggage

I’m not really sure this is baggage or intellectual honesty, but it is probably a little of both. I love/hate the Coen Brothers. They have made some of the best and most original movies of the last couple of decades: No Country for Old Men, O Brother, Where Art Thou?, Fargo, The Hudsucker Proxy, Miller’s Crossing, Raising Arizona, Blood Simple. They have made some of the worst movies as well: Burn After Reading, The Ladykillers, Intolerable Cruelty. They have made some of the most overrated as well: The Big Lebowski and Barton Fink.

I’m not a fan of remakes, but since True Grit isn’t what I would consider a classic of the cinema, I don’t mind it being remade.

Synopsis from IMDB

Following the murder of her father by hired hand Tom Chaney, 14-year-old farm girl Mattie Ross sets out to capture the killer. To aid her, she hires the toughest U.S. marshal she can find, a man with “true grit,” Reuben J. “Rooster” Cogburn. Mattie insists on accompanying Cogburn, whose drinking, sloth, and generally reprobate character do not augment her faith in him. Against his wishes, she joins him in his trek into the Indian Nations in search of Chaney. They are joined by Texas Ranger LaBoeuf, who wants Chaney for his own purposes. The unlikely trio find danger and surprises on the journey, and each has his or her “grit” tested.

Review

It is hard to really pick which version of True Grit is better. This Coen Brothers version, or the John Wayne original. They are very similar. If I was forced to pick one over the other, I would pick the original. The few changes that the Coen brothers made from the original are not improvements. Even though Jeff Bridges is a better actor than John Wayne, John Wayne is better in the role of Cogburn. The role of LaBoeuf is not a particularly good role, but Glenn Campbell is better than Matt Damon. This is one of Damon’s worst performances to date. He isn’t dreadful, but he isn’t particularly good either. Barry Pepper’s performance is enigmatic. It seems that he is actually imitating Robert Duvall’s performance from the original.

Hailee Steinfeld is a revelation however. She is wonderful and all of the Oscar buzz surrounding her performance as the 14 year old girl that hires Rooster Cogburn to track down and bring her father’s murderer to justice is well-deserved. Mattie Ross is one of the best characters for a teenage girl to play and she nails it.

Although this is a small critique for a movie that is mostly filmed beautifully, there are scenes in the movie that are so overexposed that the natural beauty of the scenery loses its contrast. While I’m certain that this was intentional, (although it is possible that this was just laziness by the lighting crew as well) I didn’t enjoy it.

It is a good movie with many good performances and 1 great performance and a couple of subpar performances.

Rating
3.5/5 Caramels

Buy on DVD
I would consider buying this movie on DVD if I got it for a good price.

2010 Ranking
It is probably in the bottom half of the Top 10 movies I’ve seen this year. Maybe #7 or #8.

Bonus Information
The Ankeny theater is perhaps the poorest designed theater I have ever watched a movie in. The door was left open for the 1st 15-20 minutes of the movie. So was the door to the theater directly across the hall. For a good portion of the film I had to listen to the movie across the hall.

Before the movie there was a trailer for Country Strong. Baier announced anybody that saw that film would lose their “man card”.

Vacation Journal

Here is a copy of the journal I kept while I was on vacation last week.  It covers parts of 10 days and over 1300 miles.  While I doubt anybody reads this whole thing, it was an important exercise for me.

There are no pictures, but I will post some pictures from my vacation at some point in the futre.

Friday
17:33 – Put up my hard hat.  Clocked out. Left the Computer Mine.  Vacation officially started.
17:53 – Check mail.  Brandi Carlile tickets have not arrived.
18:45 – “Cleaned” living room for the arrival of the Gorshes.  Sat on Clockwork Couch. Fell asleep.
19:15 – Gorshes arrive.  Order Casey’s Taco and Hot Sausage pizza.
19:16 – Realize my house is not really clean enough for Evie.  I hate it when my Mom is right.
20:00 – While enjoying Casey’s pizza, determine that Evie enjoys Miles Davis. Not such a fan of live Led Zeppelin.
21:00 – Finish the 6/6 Gorshes Photo Project.
21:45 – Evie makes an incredibly loud sound.
23:57 – Bid the Gorshes a fond adieu and sleep the good sleep.

Saturday
8:45 – Wake up in time to watch Game Day. Might be the last time I get to watch Game Day for a few weeks.  This saddens me.
10:58 – Lee Corso picks Wisconsin to beat Ohio State.
11:47 – Mail arrives.  Assorted bills and political advertisements. No Brandi Carlile tickets.
11:48 – Call UNI ticket office to ask: “What the Hades?”  I am told that for some reason they just decided to never mail me the tickets.  But they will be waiting for me at the Will Call Window.  “Thanks UNI Ticket Office”. This statement is a mixture of sarcasm and gratitude.  About 60% sarcasm.  40% gratitude.
12:47 – Clean out Foster Bunny’s cage and let him roam the back porch while I clean the back porch.
14:48 – Clean the fridge.  After the “Great Cleansing” the follow items remain in my fridge.  8 different types of jelly, 5 different types of salsa, 3 different types of barbecue sauce, 3 different types of pickles, 3 different types of mustard, 3 different types of root beers, about 24 cans of pop (7 different varieties),  6 bottles of bottled water ( 2 different varieties), 10 slices of processed American cheese, 1 jar of Miracle Whip, 1 jar of pickled beets that I bought due to a miscommunication with Derrick, 1 tub of butter, 3 sticks of margarine and a bag of baby carrots.
16:35 – Meet Sara in the Computer Mine Parking lot for trip to Cedar Falls for Brandi Carlile concert.
17:45 – Stop in Wellsburg, Iowa to try the award winning tenderloin of the Town House Supper Club. When we can’t find the restaurant we stop at the local Casey’s.  They have scorpions in shadow boxes for sale as “art”.  Kid behind cash register tells me that that the Town House Supper Club is closed for remodeling.  I thought I was only cursed by old timey ice cream parlors. I am not pleased. Sara buys me a Fig Newton to assuage my pain.
18:30 – We arrive on “The Hill”. I had contacted my Cedar Falls “expert” earlier in the week to find out a restaurant to eat at besides Sub City.  The response came back: “There are other restaurants in Cedar Falls?”  But what I heard was “I’ve criticized my parents for not wanting to try new restaurants, but perhaps that was hypocrisy.”  We try Great Wall Chinese Restaurant. This experience is similar to when Jill and I ate at Jade 88 back in February.  We are the only people in the restaurant.  The food is tasty though.  Not to the level of Chinese Homestyle Cooking, but not bad. They have cool fish lamps on their walls. I don’t feel that Sara appreciates them at an appropriate level.
19:20 – We arrive at Gallagher-Bluedorn.  It is not what I’m expecting.  Although the auditorium itself is beautiful, it is “designed” to make it as extremely difficult as possible to find your seats. After picking up tickets at Will Call, we approach Volunteer #1 looking for assistance.  She tells us that we have to go up the elevator.  Volunteer #2 walks us to the elevator.  After getting off the elevator we hand our tickets to Volunteers #3 and #4 that are standing right outside the elevator. They tell us to go to Door 5.  Door 5 is 10 feet away.  We walk the 10 feet and give our tickets to Volunteers #5 and #6 that are standing outside of Door 5. They tell us to go into Door 5. Inside Door 5 Volunteer #7 points out our seats.  There are two of us. There is 1 open seat. We point this out to him. He tells us that they will “make room”.  We get near “our” seats. People have made room.  We sit down.  Sara notes that the height of the wall that prevents you from falling 150 feet to your death is about 2 feet tall.
19:30 – Opening act Pieta Brown takes the stage.  She plays about 5 songs.  She isn’t bad.
20:15 – Brandi Carlile and her band take the stage.  They play a set without the Cedar Falls-Waterloo Symphony.  It is amazing.
20:45 – Volunteer #8 approaches me and asks to see our tickets.  I give them to him.  He tells me that these aren’t our seats and points in kind of a general direction of where we are supposed to be sitting. He is not friendly or jovial.
20:47 – We give our tickets to Volunteer #9 who points out our seats to us.  They aren’t really seats.  They are more like chairs that overlook the two foot wall.  I actually love this because it means legroom!
20:52 – There are only two other people sitting in this “section”, so rather than sitting in our assigned chairs, we sit next to them and strike up a conversation.  Volunteer #9 doesn’t seem pleased about this, but she doesn’t do anything about it. I ask them: besides Sub City, where is a good place to eat in Cedar Falls? She recommends Beck’s or Pablo’s. An exact quote from the lady: “There is more to Cedar Falls than Sub City.” I feel I should text this to my Cedar Falls expert, but I fear she might drive up to Cedar Falls and slap this poor lady.  Decide I will tell her about this swipe at Sub City in an indirect passive aggressive manner.  Hi Shannon! While Sara goes out to the hallway to drink a Diet Pepsi I learn that the male in this couple moved from California for the female in the couple. He is “looking forward” to his first Iowa Winter.  My Aunt Sherrie would think he moved here because he had “no options”.  The less cynical side of me would ask “are there options to love”?
21:00 – Brandi Carlile comes back on stage and kills it in the 2nd set.  I had thought maybe it was foolish for me to go see Brandi Carlile for a 3rd time this year.  But all told, I spent about $100 dollars on 3 shows. I will find out later in the week that there are people willing to spend quite a bit more than 100 smackers to see just 1 show.  So maybe I am cheap.  Brandi plays many of her best songs: “Dreams”, “The Story”, “Oh Dear”, “Closer to You” and “Turpentine” to name just a few. But perhaps the highlights of this show for me were two covers I’ve never heard her play before. I’ve always felt that her voice is reminiscent of Patsy Cline, but I’ve never heard her play a Patsy Cline song.  She played “Crazy” and nailed it!  Near the end of her set she played a cover of Lenard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”.  With the beauty of her voice and the majesty of the backing symphony orchestra, I’m not ashamed to say that I got goosebumps.
22:00 – After the show, (Brandi included her traditional Johnny Cash cover of “Folsom Prison Blues” in her encore) Sara tells me “I want to be Brandi Carlile.”  She did this with an inflection that only Sara can do that makes you think that it actually might be a possibility.

Sunday
8:50 – I’m surprisingly up for Church, despite the lateness of the previous evening, when Mom arrives to pick me up.
9:40 – Andrea gives an awesome (truly awe inspiring) sermon about superheroes and how the greatest superhero the world has and ever will see is a Christian.  At the end of the sermon Andrea and Phil take off their robes to reveal that they are wearing Batman shirts underneath. I have a sinking suspicion that they didn’t have to go out and buy those shirts special for this sermon.
10:05 – The combined choirs of 4 churches perform a song to conclude our worship service. I’m disappointed to see that my Grandma isn’t in the choir, but excited to see a choir with lots of men in it.  Our church choir is a little light on the men.  Of course that is partially my fault for keeping my angelic voice under wraps.

10:15 – Josh tells me that Wesley’s hair color must have come from the Schwan’s man.  I assure him that I was born with red hair.  Then the red went away.  Then the hair went away. Mom tells him the story about how my Grandma (Paternal) knew I would be born with red hair because I “visited her in a dream” before I was born.  I’ve always doubted the veracity of this tale because I don’t remember visiting anybody before I was born.  However, Josh thinks it is a great story.  I am reminded that I should really make an extra effort to make it to Taize Worship next November.

13:00 – Angie, Jon and Alice arrive for Alice’s 3 month photo shoot.  I don’t really know how to take baby pictures, but Angie has ideas.  I give them a tour of the house that consists mostly of the phrase: “This room is too dirty to go into…” and “someday this will be different”.  Alice photography goes seemingly well.
17:30 – Meet the Howards near a private pond for the Howard family photo shoot.  The light wanes quickly and Jesse limping around on his crutches doesn’t help the speed of the event, but I think good work is accomplished.
19:30 – I show up at the Howards for supper.  Kelly makes a very good Shepherd’s Pie.  We watch the Phillies-Giants game.
21:00 – Willy shows up because he is a social butterfly and needs to be around other people.
21:30 – I realize that I was supposed to go to the Mehtodist Men Steak Fry tonight. Whoops!

Monday
9:00 – I wake up with one goal: to stay in my pajamas as long as is humanly possible.
10:00 – I thaw out hamburger to make Hamburger Helper.  I have friends who look down their long noses of judgment at me because I occasionally eat Hamburger Helper.  I don’t have the ambition to cook anything better on this day.
11:00 – I think about cleaning my living room.
11:03 – I email my weekly picks to Andree, Russell and Baier.  Upset: Baylor over Kansas State Lock: Oklahoma over Missouri.
12:00 – I realize I don’t have any milk to make my Cheesy Enchilada Hamburger Helper.  If I go to the store I would have to put on nonsleeping attire. I go down to my Mom’s to borrow milk. Instead, she makes me homemade chicken noodles.
13:23 – I think about cleaning my living room.
16:30 – I dust some stuff.
16:42 – I put the hamburger away. I’ll make Hamburger Helper later this week.
18:00 – Show up at my Mom’s for supper.
20:15 – I put on real clothes and leave for the bowling alley.
22:47 – The Patio Pros enter the night in first place, but get handled by C&B Drywall 18-6. I personally have a decent night.  Winning 3 out of 4 personal points, but it isn’t enough.

Tuesday
8:30 – Depart for Kalona with Mom.
10:45 – Buy Buttermilk Cookies at the Bakery.  I love these cookies. I refrain from buying any more jelly.  I have 8 jars at home in the fridge.
11:02 – Community Store is closed on Tuesdays.
11:11 – Stringtown Grocery Store is closed on Tuesdays.
11:17 – Jackpot! Cheese factory is open.  I buy two pounds of cheese curds, in case any friends drop by the rest of the week.  I also buy, Smoked Swiss, 2 Year Old Cheddar and Chocolate Cheese. I need to buy some crackers when I get a chance.
12:17 – Mom wants to go by Riverside Casino to see what it looks like. I take her to the Future Birthplace of Captain James T. Kirk.  I text a picture to a few people to let them know that this guy doesn’t waste his vacation time.
13:15 – Don’t find the casino, but decide to go to Iowa City to eat at Steak’n’Shake for lunch. This is despite the fact that both Sara and Jesse have tried to shoot down my dreams of eating at a Steak’n’Shake in the past.

13:37 – Turns out I don’t know where the Steak’n’Shake in Iowa City is located even though I KNOW I’ve driven by it many a time. Aimlessly driving around Iowa City.
13:47 – Call Sara for directions. She doesn’t answer.  Call Toby for directions.  He doesn’t answer. Call Jesse for directions.  He answers.  Apparently we drove by it about 5 miles back. Nice!
14:02 – The joyride works to our favor.  2-4 is Shake Happy Hour at Steak’n’Shake.  Steak’n’Shake isn’t anywhere near as bad as Sara and Jesse hyped it to be.  In fact, it was actually on the enjoyable side.  I wouldn’t go out of my way for one again, but it certainly beats the offerings of the Evil Clown Empire, Burger King and Wendy’s. Plus, to my knowledge, none of those places have a Shake Happy Hour. Game, Set, Match. Steak’n’Shake.
15:37 – Arrive at what is left of the Czech Village in Cedar Rapids.  They have a “Speed Hump” sign that is moderately amusing.  We stop in a bakery and buy some stuff.
17:17 – Stop at an abandoned gas station on Highway 30 to photograph it.
18:22 – Stop in Tama to photograph historic Lincoln Highway Bridge.
19:02 – Stop at Country House Family Restaurant in Colo for supper.  I love this restaurant. I have the fried chicken dinner and it is great. Order raisin cream pie to go.
21:30 – Sitting at home. Eat raisin cream pie.  Some cheese curds as well.

Wednesday
8:30 – Watch Prospect Place episode of Ghost Adventures on On Demand.
9:15 – Watch Waverly Hills episode of Ghost Adventures on On Demand.
10:00 – Watch Stanley Hotel episode of Ghost Adventures on  On Demand. Text Jill.  Find out she has been by the Stanley Hotel on an Orchestra trip. Color me with the colors of jealousy. I think they are green.  I decide to watch The Shining later that night in honor of my Ghost Adventures marathon.
10:45 – Watch Return to Bobby Mackey’s episode of Ghost Adventures on On Demand. This is an episode I’ve never seen before, but Jill spoke very highly of it.  By watching this episode I learn that Bobby Mackey’s is in Wilder, Kentucky.  I decide that if I go with Teresa to visit Ernie in Kentucky next year, Bobby Mackey’s is definitely one place we are visiting.  That list now consists of Lambert’s, Beale Street and Bobby Mackey’s.  I don’t believe in ghosts, but I’m willing to believe in the possibility of ghosts. That must make me a ghost agnostic.  Episode is as good as Jill advertised. I leave the epidosde confused as to why anybody would turn a slaughterhouse into a music club.

12:00 – Mom and I pick up Vi for lunch.  Since I get to pick the restaurant, I pick Pickles Pub in Kamrar.  I’m not sure that they are open for lunch, but there pizza is so good it is worth the risk. If not, Webster City probably has a restaurant or two that serve edible food.
12:47 – We are in Kamrar. At this point I tell Mom and Vi that I’m not sure that they are open during the day. I had eaten here once with Shannon during the day, but that was a Sunday.
12:53 – They are open, but they don’t serve pizza during the day.
12:57 – Mom asks the waitress if they will serve us pizza.  The waitress says it will be a little wait, but they will turn on the pizza oven.  Big points for Pickles! We order Fried Pickles because Vi has never had Fried Pickles.
14:00 – Pizza was excellent, as always.  We leave a large tip because they turned on the pizza oven and it looks like our waitress has been crying.
14:30 – Stop at Stanhope Meat Locker.  I don’t buy anything, but Mom does.
15:15 – Home cleaning living room.  It is spotless and I can finally get under my entertainment center to hook up the switch that makes it possible for me to sign up for Netflix.
15:20 – I sign up for Netflix.
15:25 – Watch Food, Inc. on Netflix.
18:00 – Eat pastries from Czech Village bakery. They are terrible. I spit some out. I think about giving some to Foster Bunny, but decide not to be cruel.
20:00 – Pop some popcorn and open up some ice cold Pepsi Cola.  It is time for The Shining on Blu-Ray!
22:30 – I love Stanley Kubrick!

Thursday
7:30 – I’m up. I rearrange my bedroom.  I theorize that this new arrangement will help me keep my bedroom cleaner.  I have lots of theories on cleaning. However, I don’t actually do much cleaning. Cleaning is more of a theoretical activity for me.
11:30 – I’m cleaning my office. The goal is to clean out the Hat Closet and make it a second Frame Closet.  I also want to be able to see the floor again.
11:47 – I get an email from Russell that he is “vetoing” my upset pick of Baylor over Kansas State because he doesn’t “feel” that it is an upset.
11:48 – I point out that Kansas State is a 6.5 point favorite and ranked.  Baylor is not ranked.
13:30 – Russell emails that it technically might be an upset, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Baylor won.
13:33 – Of course, I’m wouldn’t be surprised. That is why I made the pick.  I change my upset pick to Texas over Iowa State.
14:22 – Russell refers to the belief that Iowa State could beat Texas as a “fantasy”.  I don’t respond. I shut off my computer. I believe I won’t touch a computer again until Monday.
3:30 – I can see the floor again.  I am a cleaning god.
16:37 – Teresa calls me to tell me she is in my driveway. I tell her that she might as well come inside. We aren’t leaving until my show is over, even though the show is on Netflix and I can watch it at any time.
16:56 – We leave for Trostel’s Dish.
17:30 – I get a text from Vest at the Computer Mine. He has a question about the Microsoft eOpen website. It is good to be needed.
17:47 – We arrive at Trostel’s Dish.  I can smell Yuppie all over this place, but despite being under the weather, I give it a shot.
17:48 – This is a sharing restaurant. I wasn’t prepared for that.
17:57 – Teresa orders Arancini and a Taco Pizza. I order Beef & Shrooms and Pomme Frites.
18:30 – The Pomme Frites were kind of average, but the Arancini is incredible.  The Beef & Shrooms and Taco Pizza are also above average, but the Arancini really steals the show. If I were to come back I would just order 4 orders of it and call it a night.
18:31 – Teresa asks me if I would come back. I tell her I would, but since it is a sharing restaurant I would come with a larger group of people (like when I went to Chino Latino back in April). Teresa is somewhat offended by this statement, but I tell her that I would let her come along.
20:02 – I’m standing in Sara’s garage.  She has offered to give me a mirror that is roughly the size of a twin bed.  I’m hoping that Teresa’s Murano is the perfect vessel to convey my new prize home. I have been eying the Gorshe Forrester behind their back for about a month now, but I’m hoping I won’t need it any longer.  Teresa says she doesn’t know if she can help lift the mirror because of her bad neck. I give her a pep talk and she’s willing to give it the old college try.
20:06 – By the slimmest of margins the mirror fits in the Murano!  Oh bliss! Heaven and bliss!
20:22 – Standing in the Beaverdale Walgreen’s. I am out of acetaminophen. They are having a sale on it. Buy 1 get 1 Free.  They are completely sold out of all sizes except for the Super Jumbo bottle. I now have enough acetaminophen to ease the aches and pains of a small village.
21:03 – At the Casey’s in Madrid.  They are selling scorpions in shadow boxes as art. Did I miss something?
21:30 – Leave giant mirror in my garage because Teresa can’t carry it to basement due to bad neck. Start thinking about strong friends that will be able to help me move the mirror to the basement.

Friday
10:45 – Stop at the Computer Mine to answer a Microsoft Eopen website question.  This seems to be my expertise at work.  Some would call it job security.  I call it reason #345 why I hate Microsoft.
11:00 – On the Interstate.
12:22 – Drivers from Wisconsin are stupid.
1:17 – Drivers from Nebraska are stupid.
2:00 – Wheels down. Eagan, Minnesota. The Promised Land. Nate and I go to lunch.
2:08 – Lunching at Genghis Grill.  There are small differences between Genghis Grill and HuHot.  They are as follows: Steak is marinated, seasonings, eggs, sauce is thicker, sauce is put in a separate bowl and cooks mix rice in for you.
2:25 – Genghis Grill is a winner.
2:32 – Nate and Bethany have canceled cable. There goes Plan A for watching Iowa State-Texas game.
17:00 – Nate has left for work. I’m heading to Minneapolis to see Becca and Gelli’s new apartment.
17:07 – On 77. Becca’s directions say to take 62 East. GPS says 62 West.  Trusting Becca.
17:15 – GPS was right.
17:28 – Arrive at the new apartment.  It is nice.  Get to meet Ponyo who is cute. Becca and Gelli don’t have cable. There goes Plan B for watching Iowa State-Texas game.
18:02 – On the way to a tea house we drive by the Uptown Theater. I still long to see a movie at this theater.  Their midnight movie this weekend is The Lost Boys. I am reminded that The Lost Boys terrified Bethany when she was young. I don’t think I could talk her into going to see it.  Then my thoughts are stopped cold.  I see an advertisement that lists their next several midnight movies. In a couple of weeks they are showing The Shining. If that wasn’t such a terrible weekend for it, I would come up to Minnesota just for that. I’m still miffed about missing A Clockwork Orange at the Uptown a few months back.
18:15 – At a tea house called Tea Garden.  The baristas look like cliché hipsters, but the clientele looks decidedly normal. I wonder if the baristas secretly wish to work at a more hip tea house.
18:32 – Becca tells me that she was willing to pay 600 dollars for a ticket to see Shakira in concert in Chicago. I’m flabbergasted. I’ve seen my favorite band in concert and it cost me 38 bucks. I’d be willing to pay more, but not 562 bucks more.
18:48 – Back at the apartment awaiting Bethany’s arrival.  We are deciding between two locations. Hard Times Café and Mac’s Industrial Sports Bar.  We decide on Mac’s Industrial based on the fact that their menu includes a Fried Plate of Death.
20:37 – I am face to face with the Fried Plate of Death.  It is a good distraction because despite the fact this is a sports bar, all that is on their televisions is stupid hockey. I secretly hate this state.  Saint Cloud State is embarrassing Minnesota. 1 billion chinamen and this American could care less.  Fried Plate of Death is good, but not great.  It pales in comparison to the appetizer combo plate at The Open Flame.  Now I am longing for The Open Flame.
22:28 – Make plan with Becca to go to the Sculpture Garden at 1 PM on Saturday.
23:13 – Watching Weeds with Nate back in Eagan.

Saturday
11:00 – Search in vain for a way to watch Iowa State-Texas game. Ends with me staring at Bethany’s computer watch Gamecast on ESPN.com.
11:04 – Bethany calls from work. Suggests I go over to John’s to watch football. That would be awesome, but I already have plans with Becca to go to the Sculpture Garden.
12:28 – Halftime: Iowa State 14 Texas 3. Really wish I could watch this game.
13:00 – Arrive at Becca and Gelli’s.  I watch Iowa State-Texas game on Gamecast on my phone.
13:14 – Becca and I head for lunch at Hard Times Café.
13:26 – Becca thinks Hard Times Café is in Dinkytown. We end up in a traffic jam. Minnesota must have a football game at 2:30.  Look at all these people headed to the stadium.
13:43 – We drive past Minnesota Stadium.  All these people aren’t driving to the stadium. They are leaving the stadium! There is 5 minutes left in the game and there is maybe 10,000 people left in the stadium. I text Jesse to find out the score of the Minnesota-Penn State game. Minnesota is down by 9.  They are down by 9 and their stadium is empty.
14:11 – We find Hard Times Café. It is in a Somalian neighborhood. That is code for ghetto in Minnesotan.
14:16 – This is a true hipster place.  Vegan and vegetarian food. The baristas AND the clientele scream cliché hipster. Who am I to judge though? They probably look at me and think I look like a cliché badass and it is true, but badass is who I am. I can’t run from it.
14:18 – Hard Times Café has an interesting way to order. You write down your food order on a piece of paper and hand it to the barista. But for the drink, you can actually talk to the barista. I order an Eden Omelet and Organic Grape Juice.
14:22 – Derrick calls me. Iowa State has officially beat Texas for the first time in school history. We discuss how proud we are to be Cyclones.
14:25 – I text Russell to ask him if he believes in fantasies. I still haven’t heard from him. Andree and Jesse both text me to celebrate the victory. I had received texts from Baier earlier in the day, but surprisingly he does not text me after the game.  Perhaps he was still in shock.
14:27 – Our food is up.  It is very good. I try some of Becca’s biscuits and gravy. It is surprisingly good for not having any meat in it.
15:03 – We arrive at The Sculpture Garden.  Although they have moved some sculptures around, I don’t think there are any new sculptures from the time I visited it with Bethany a couple of years back.
15:05 – Lots of wedding parties here getting their pictures taken with a giant cherry. Little weird Minnesotans.
15:27 – The flower garden hear is amazing!
16:47 – At Jamba Juice.  This is my first lifetime visit to a Whole Foods.  I order Banana Berry Smoothie without a boost. I don’t believe in performance enhancers.
17:00 – Hug Becca goodbye.  Going to Bloomington to meet Bethany and John at John’s place to take some pictures.
17:03 – The quickest route between Minneapolis and Bloomington involves 35W South.  The police have closed this road because Obama is in town.  I appreciate the meaningful health care reform. I appreciate Wall Street reform. I appreciate removing combat troops from Iraq. I don’t appreciate this Obama!  It will be a long 8 mile drive down Nicollet, with the sunlight wasting away.
17:22 – Arrive at John’s. Bethany still isn’t ready. Sorry for the angry words Obama.
17:47 – Arrive at Century Park. It is pretty dark, but we take some good pictures.  At least I hope they are good.
20:27 – At The Park Tavern Bowling & Entertainment Center in St. Louis Park.  For years I’ve listened to Bethany praise the green chicken wings served here.  Here with John, Bethany and John’s friend Ryan.  Hostess asks us if we want a table near the karaoke or far from the karaoke.  We ask if they can just “not do karaoke”.  She responds, “I wish.  Believe me. I wish.” Her eyes glaze over as she seems to be remembering a traumatic experience from the past.  Then in an instant she is back with us.  She seats us around a corner and far from the karaoke.
20:33 – Some guys is killing Journey on stage. Not in the Brandi Carlile way, this is literally musical homicide.  Hatred for karaoke is reinforced.
20:47 – The green chicken wings arrive.  They are excellent!  They are also very spicy and very large.  They are least 4 times the size of normal chicken wings.  Also interesting is rather than celery, the “side dish” is cucumber slices.  Tasty, but I think it actually makes the burning sensation on my lips worse.
20:52 – Woman who actually belongs a stage is doing a serviceable job on Janis Joplin. As it turns out, serviceable is as good as it gets on this night.
20:55 – Nate calls and says to order for him in 15 minutes.
21:10 – We order for him.
21:14 – The guy that murdered Journey is now murdering Survivor.  Fantastic!
21:20 – Nate’s wings arrive.
21:40 – Nate arrives.
23:23 – On the way back to John’s I hear my first legendary John-Hardcore-Right-Wing-Rant.  Ryan holds his own as his Yes Man!  Some of my favorite phrases include, “Back in the 70s” and “I heard a scientist say once.”  Okay, my real favorite phrase was when Bethany says, “I’ve asked you to show me documentation of that claim before and you can’t find any!”
23:42 – Back at John’s watching Jim Gaffigan clips on YouTube.

Sunday
00:47 – I hug Bethany goodbye.
1:13 – Nate is already asleep.  I read several website reports of Iowa State’s historic victory over Texas.
8:45 – This is the 4th Sunday of the year that I have missed Church.  I missed Super Bowl Sunday, the Sunday after my Birthday Barbecue and Swell Season Sunday.  Now this Sunday.  Based on the Shorty Peterson Church Credit Theory, I still have perfect attendance.  I have missed 4 services, but I also went on Ash Wednesday, Maundy Thursday and Good Friday.  I also once stopped in on a Contemporary Service. However, that is partial credit at best.  I should really go to the Taize Worship in November. I know I’ll also go to the bonus Christmas Eve service. If they don’t cancel the midnight service this year, I might hit two services on Christmas Eve. I might end up with better than perfect attendance before the year is over.
10:02 – Nate wakes up.
10:15 – I say goodbye to Nate. No hug. Get in the car to head to Oakdale.
10:45 – I knock on the door to Jill’s apartment.  There is a small amount of time before we have to leave to make it to Hell’s Kitchen.  Our reservation is for 11:30.  Jill is watching the Travel Channel’s all day marathon of Ghost Adventures.
10:52 – I make an effort to be friends with Kitty Baby. The other encounters I’ve had with her have not gone particularly well.  This time she doesn’t hiss or run away from me. This is known as progress.
10:58 – Jill is going to see Maroon 5 in concert on Thursday. I already know this, but you probably don’t.
10:59 – Standing in the parking lot trying to decide who will drive. Jill says, “Don’t you want to ride in the Poor Man’s Porsche?” Truth is that I never miss a chance to ride in the Poor Man’s Porsche.
11:04 – Jill tells me that when she made our reservation, they told her that Hell’s Kitchen has a jazz band playing during brunch.  Considerable improvement over karaoke.  In fact, it is nearly impossible to quantify the breadth of that improvement.
11:06 – Jill asks if “How” is still my favorite song from Maroon 5’s new album.  I tell her it is, but the acoustic versions of “Never Gonna Leave This Bed” and “Misery” along with the cover of Alicia Keys “If I Ain’t Got You” are closing the gap.  She plays for me the iTunes Bonus Track “The Air That I Breathe”. She tells me she’s excited for Thursday.
11:11 – Jill tells me she’s excited for Thursday.
11:16 – Jill tells me she’s excited for Thursday.
11:20 – Jill tells me she’s excited for Thursday.
11:28 – We arrive at Hell’s Kitchen. The hostess asks us if we want a table near or far away from the jazz band.  We give the exact opposite answer that we gave the hostess from last night.
11:48 – This is a really cool restaurant.  Live jazz band. The servers are wearing pajamas. The art on the wall is cool without being contrived. There is an awesome angel statue on the stage behind the jazz trio.
11:52 – Our food arrives.  We ordered Sweet Potato Fries as an appetizer. Jill ordered Shrimp & Crab Cake with Poached Egg. I order Bison Benedict.
11:57 – I’m not a huge fan of breakfast at a restaurant, but this is phenomenal.  This definitely goes on the list of the best restaurants I’ve ever eaten at.
12:22 – The jazz trio announce when they will be playing Hell’s Kitchen again.  On the list of their future appearances is a night when they will be playing Led Zeppelin’s Houses of the Holy. I wish I could be here for that.
12:28 – While paying the bill we discuss whether or not we could steal the sweet pen our server brought her to sign the check.  We do this in front of the waiter. He tells us to go ahead and steal it. He says he sometimes brings stuff to people for them to steal. We decide not to steal the pen.
13:30 – We are at the Carmike Cinema in Oakdale. The original plan was to go see “Hereafter”. That isn’t actually true. The original plan was to see “Life As We Know It”, but after Jill’s most recent trip home, I showed her the trailer for “Hereafter” and “The Fighter”.  She decided that she would rather see “Hereafter” and we made very soft plans to see “The Fighter” when it comes out. However, we didn’t make it back from Hell’s Kitchen in time, so we are back to the original plan of seeing “Life As We Know It”.
15:30 – It is a fair but predictable movie. Most romantic comedies are predictable, so I don’t hold that against it.  I can deal with predictable as long as it is well done.
16:15 – Hug Jill goodbye. Wish her luck at darts.
18:30 – Stop in Albert Lea for gas and fast food at Burger King.
20:00 – Home. Foster Bunny survived my absence, but I swear he looks lonely. A trick of the eye.
21:00 – Start of first Computer Mine basketball game of the season. 9 players here. This is promising. Played a couple games last year with 5 or less players.  Still haven’t recovered from cold completely and am feeling the aches of being in car for 3.5 hours. I decide to play as little as I can in this game.
21:15 – First extended playing time in this game. I feel like I’m going to vomit. Burger King was a big mistake.
22:00 – We kept it close for most of the game, but lose by a final score of 66-45. Although that sounds bad, this is actually very promising.
22:22 – Ha! Ha! Brett Favre loses to the Packers!

Monday
8:58 – Back at Computer Mine. Vacation officially over.

Catharsis

I witnessed something so shocking on Tuesday night that after I got over the initial numbness, I reached out to some close friends who helped guide me through the mental issues that I was having to overcome.

I should state to clear my good name and recriminate Nader, it was not my idea to go see Piranha 3-D.  I wanted to go see Scott Pilgrim, but Nader refused to see that movie because he thinks that it has the guy in it from Adventureland even though I’ve told him 100 times that it isn’t the same guy that is in Adventureland.

Since Nader couldn’t be convinced that Micahel Cerra and Jesse Eisenberg are not the same person, we went to see Piranha 3-D. It was the first horror movie I’ve seen in the theater since The Devil’s Rejects in 2005.  It might be another 5 years before I see another horror movie in the theater.

Because of the frankness of the situation, I am going to keep all the parties anonymous.

I texted Friends 2 and 3:

“I just saw a movie where a fish eats a penis in 3-D!”

I texted Friend 4:

“Is there a scene in Scott Pilgrim where a fish eats a penis in 3D, cause there sure as hell is one in Piranha?”

I texted Friends 5, 6 & 7:

“This can’t wait until the morrow. There is a scene in Piranha where a fish eats a penis in 3D.”

I texted Friend 1:

“I have to get this off my chest. In Piranha there is a scene where a fish eats a penis in 3D. I’m traumatized.”

Friend 4 texted back:

“No there isn’t.”

Friend 7 texted back:

“wtf”

Friend 2 texted back:

“”

Then Friend 2 texted back:

“That is WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! I don’t need to even ask how the movie was now.”

I texted Friend 7:

“Exactly.”

I texted Friend 4:

“I thought every movie would like to include such a scene.”

Friend 6 texted:

“Yeah, its worth sharing. First time in a while, I don’t know what to say.”

I texted Friend 2:

“There was no warning. All of a sudden it just happened.”

I texted Friend 6:

“I feel disoriented. I think I’m in shock. My body is cold, but that might be because I’m standing in the freezer section of Hy-Vee.”

Friend 2 texted:

“Obviously funded by those man haters at Lifetime Movie Network.”

Friend 6 texted:

“Maybe they figured no one would see the movie and just threw in something to make it unforgettable. Its a hell of a story, anyway.”

I texted Friend 2:

“They should put a warning label on movies that contain violence against penis. So we would know not to go see them.”

I texted Friend 6:

“It definitely worked. I will never be able to wash this image from my brain.”

Friend 2 texted:

“AGREED!”

Friend 6 texted:

“Sick thing is, I’m almost convinced I will rent it on dvd. Not sure what that says about myself.”

Friend 1 texted:

“EWWWWWW!!!!”

I texted Friend 6:

“You might not want to after I tell you the full story. I will tell you tomorrow at dinner.”

Friend 4 texted:

“Now that’s a groundbreaking movie! I’m thinking Oscar. I that that piranha is Lorena Bobbitt’s pet. BTW, what did Nader say to that?”

I texted Friend 1:

“I’m pretty sure I’m going to have nightmares.”

Friend 6 texted:

“Ok”

I texted Friend 4:

“I swear to God he said: ‘Look at that cocksucker!'”

Friend 1 texted:

“I hope U aren’t permanenty traumatized!”

I texted Friend 1:

“You will have to forgive me if I get distant and weird(er).”

Friend 1 texted:

“Indeed I will, and I will completely understand.”

Friend 2 texted:

“Did u have sympathy pain?”

Friend 4 texted:

“Spoken like a true critic! Awesome job channeling Gene Siskel’s spirit. Couldn’ have said it better myself.”

I texted Friend 2:

“Not yet, but I think I might when I come out of shock.”

Friend 4 texted:

“I agree, that now makes me wanna see the movie.”

I texted Friend 4:

“It was the goriest horror movie I’ve ever seen.”

Friend 4 texted:

“From you that’s saying something.”

I finished the long drive  home knowing that my bed and the nightmares to come would be there to greet me.

Vacation Day 4 – Cotton Candy

I was set on going back to the Cyclone State on Tuesday night after visiting Faust on his day off, but Bethany and Becca requested that I stay one more night. I had no plans for Wednesday (Sara’s attempt to convince me to go to Iowa City failed since she couldn’t produce a single credible theory on why it would be fun for me to sit around while she put stitches in a pig’s foot), so I agreed to come back to Eagan after my visit to Mankato.

Nate, Becca and Bethany live a couple blocks from a donut store by the name of Puffy Cream Donuts. After I woke up and showered, I hit the open road to Mankato after picking up some cream filled goodness at Puffy Cream.

When I got to Mankato I stopped at Target so I could buy some extra clothes for the extra day in Minnesota.

I arrived at the Faust home and we discussed potential new coaches for the Cyclones.

My dream has always been that Iowa State rights the wrong it made several years ago and brings back Eustachy. I know this was a pipedream, but there are several great options out there. It was exciting to think about what guy Pollard would bring to Ames to return the Cyclones to glory.

We went to Mr. Goodcents for lunch. I hadn’t eaten at Mr. Goodcents since the one in Ames closed down while I was still in college. The sandwiches are no longer as epic in scope as they were all those years ago, but it was definitely still very tasty and I wasn’t disappointed. Not like how disappointed I am with the horrible joke that is masquerading as Panchero’s across the street from the Computer Mine.

At 2:30 we walked over to Jackson’s school to pick him up. I got to admire some of his artwork and look around his school.

As we returned to the Faust abode, I checked my email on my phone. I wasn’t expecting any messages of great consequence, I was just trying to hammer out lunch plans for Thursday with Shannon, but then I got an email message from The Swell Season updating their Summer tour schedule. They are coming to 1st Ave in July! Hallelujah!

After further discussion about who Iowa State could get as a coach, Nicole came and picked us up to get cotton candy!

The residence hall where she works was trying to get the students to leave their dorm rooms by serving cotton candy, popcorn and playing approved music. I don’t know how well it worked on the students, but it worked on Jackson, Faust and I.

On the way over to Minnesota State’s campus, Jackson flexed the golden pipes and wowed me by singing along word for word with the Justin Bieber CD playing on the stereo.


Vacation Day 4 - Cotton Candy
A portion of the day was following Jackson while he ran through the hallways of the dormitory.

Vacation Day 4 - Cotton Candy
Jackson has yet to develop his dad’s patented “Leaning Weiner” shot.

Vacation Day 4 - Cotton Candy
Now I’ve been able to school two generations of Fausts on the court. Plus Faust and I did relive some old Saturday Morning Basketball memories. Including how he felt that he owned The Salmon on the court. Hmmm… two friends that think they own The Salmon.

Vacation Day 4 - Cotton Candy
Jackson nailed somewhere between 3-5 shots depending on how he retells the story.

Vacation Day 4 - Cotton Candy
Faust manning the popcorn machine.

Vacation Day 4 - Cotton Candy
Jackson and his Mr. Freeze

Vacation Day 4 - Cotton Candy
Fronting for the Cyclones in Maverick Country

Vacation Day 4 - Cotton Candy
Faust Knocking Down Cotton Candy Goodness


Shortly after we got back to the Faust Estate my phone rang. It was Jesse.

“We just hired a new coach. Fred Hoiberg.”

I was instantly pissed. Are you kidding me? We just hired some guy because he is super popular with the fan base even though he has NO coaching experience on any level. Was this the cheapest publicity stunt ever?

Full disclosure: I’m not and never was a ravenous Fred Hoiberg fan. He was a solid player and a nice story. His teams were okay and they went to the tournament, but they were not my teams and I could not stand their style of play. They were soft. I was and always will be a Dedric Willoughby fan. He actually won a championship. I’m sure if Pollard would have announced that Willoughby was the new coach and he was filling out his staff with Jacy Holloway, Kenny Pratt and Shawn Bankhead I would have jumped for joy. Hoiberg doesn’t do it for me like he does it for the grand majority of Cyclone nation.

Jesse and I vented our anger. Then Faust and I vented our anger.

I sent text messages to Baier, Bill, Russell, Andree, Derrick and Schmidt.

Bill wrote back:

“Fred? As head coach?”

“Yep.”

“Does he have any coaching experience?”

“None. Not at all.”

“Not good at all”

Andree wrote back:

“I guess he didn’t even entertain the idea of hiring Larry back. Well, here’s hoping Hoiberg’s NBA connections can help with recruiting. Was Pollard expecting another Paul Rhoads or something? He’ll be fired next year. This is a cheap move by hiring Ames favorite son to get fans off his back. Idiot!”

“It might be a popular move. I guess we can hope this works out.”

“Popular or not Hoiberg has some cache in Ames. Maybe he can sell to future recruits: “I got all the GMs phone numbers. If you got the chops, they’ll take my call.”

Then I got a call from Baier. We vented. Then I got a call from Russell. We vented.

Then I got a text from Schmidt.

“They are reporting The Mayor as our next coach.”

“I feel that we are worse off now than we were on Sunday with McDermott as our coach.”

“Typical Chris response that I expected!”

“Maybe he is a quick study.”

“We won’t know for three years. Its the Hall of Fame coaching staff!”

Then Derrick called. Of everybody I talked to he seemed the most optimistic that this might work. Although he had just got off the phone with Shawn and Shawn was extremely negative about this hire. But we didn’t get a full conversation because some customer came into the store and he had to “work”.

Faust and I discussed this move for quite a bit longer. Then I headed backup to Eagan.

Nate and I went to Houlihan’s for supper and then we came back to the house. I watched Weeds with Becca until about 2 in the morning and then I went to bed.

Much of my anger over the Hoiberg hiring had subsided and I was able to go to sleep rather quickly

Day 4 of vacation was still pretty great, despite the surprise Hoiberg hiring!

3Peat

“This is the end,

Beautiful friend,

This is the end,

Of our elaborate plans, the end,

Of everything that stands, the end,

No safety or surprise, the end.”

– The Doors (The End)

Another college basketball season has come to an end. It is a sad, sad day. At least it is only 11 days to Iowa State’s Spring Football Game. 11 long days!

The end of another college basketball season means it is time to crown the champion of year 6 of the Roundball Oracles tournament pool.

This is beginning to sound like a broken record, but a few years back Pat Riley was man enough to patent the word 3peat.  What he wasn’t man enough to do is actually 3peat. He came up woefully short in his attempt to win a 3rd straight championship.

Mark Wolfram is not Pat Riley. Mark Wolfram was man enough to be crowned the Roundball Oracles Champion for the 3rd straight year.  It was a little embarrassing when a guy living in Taiwan won the first time.  Even more embarrassing when he repeated last year. I’m not sure if there are words to express how embarrassing it is that he won for a third straight year.

Hopefully next year somebody will step up and snatch that crown off of his head.  Could be you! Could be me! Although I’ll have to rebound from an extremely pathetic performance this year. At least I finished third and won ten bucks in the pool at work.

The Final Standings

1. Mark Wolfram (Taiwan Hoops) – 81 points

2. Nader Parsaei (Charlie Chaplin) – 79 points

3. Dawn Krause (Dawn’s Dunkin’ Dribblers) – 75 points

4. Frank Meiners (Frank’s Picks) – 73 points

4. Corey Faust (Always Go Top Shelf) – 73 points

6. Dan Dill (dan) – 71 points

7. Jason Baier (JLB) – 70 points

8. Robert Henning (Shot In The Dark) – 67 points

9. Nate Buckingham (Wade Lookingbill Allstars) – 65 points

9. Tim Peterson (Dominate Monkey) – 65 points

9. Linda Toot (JWB) – 65 points

12 – Derrick Gorshe (Derrick) – 63 points

13 – Jesse Howard (ISU Yes McDermott No) – 62 points

14 – Becky Perkovich (A169032477) – 61 points

15 – Corey Schmidt (TakeIt2ThaHole) – 58 points

15. Toby Sebring (Lickliter Is Out!) – 58 points

17. Russell Kennerly (i’m also transferring greg) 57 points

18. Christopher D. Bennett (I See Things) – 56 points

19. Jon DeWaard (Lono’s bracket) – 54 points

20. Bill Wentworth (Bill’s Bracket) – 53 points

21. Carrie Baier (Couragers) – 52 points

21 competitors was a new Roundball Oracles record for participants.  4 female competitors was a record for female competitors!

I am hopeful that next year, both of those records will be broken.

My Great Shame

I cited a FNSC ending in My Great Shame a few journal entries back, but I never indicated what was My Great Shame.  A few people already know about My Great Shame because I exposed those people to it. I’m not sure if I exposed them because I wanted them to share in my misery or if I was using this exposure as an excuse to continue in my shame.

However, I have been motivated by other people’s strength in the last few weeks to quit my shame.  If Jen, Derrick, Jill and Sara can quit or work on quitting smoking,  I assuredly could give up my shame. It is after all, not a physical addiction.

I witnessed some of the strategies that others have used to quit smoking.  Cinnamon sticks. Only smoking at work. Not smoking at work. I tried in vain to step down with a crutch, but it didn’t work. I had to quit cold turkey.

It was My Great Shame, but I can proudly proclaim that I have been free of its demon clutches for three weeks now.

What is My Great Shame?

The Starz Original show Spartacus: Blood and Sand.

This easily has to be the worst scripted program to ever grace the airwaves.  I’m pretty sure that it is written by junior high students hopped up on meth. It is a combination of 3 things: extremely bizarre and gratuitous sex scenes, extremely ridiculous bloody battle scenes and the most pathetically-written-profanity-laced-dialogue ever.  The dialogue makes the dialogue in Games and Quietus appear that it was written by Shakespeare.

Despite the fact that it is beyond horrible, I couldn’t stop watching it and I was ashamed.  I knew it was clearly beneath me and didn’t belong in the guilty pleasure category like Just One of the Guys.

The best excuse I can give for watching this wretched show was that I couldn’t wait to see what ridiculously stupid thing would happen in the next scene or in the next episode.

I wrote to Andree, Baier and Russell and told them about how I couldn’t stop watching this terrible show. At least Baier and Andree watched it and came to a similar conclusion as me. This was truly the worst scripted program in the history of television.

I decided that I wasn’t strong enough to quit cold turkey. I spent a Sunday watching Stanley Kubrick’s Spartacus and backed it up with Ben-Hur. I figured watching excellent historical drama would cleanse my palette and free me from the grip that this show had on me.

However, while I was watching Kurbrick’s Spartacus I got a text from Jill about how her dad loved Spartacus: Blood and Sand.  She had rightfully mocked him for watching this terrible show. I didn’t think that this information would lead to a relapse for me, but it did.

On the Thursday of that week I was at Jen and Derrick’s house. Derrick told me that they were spending the upcoming Saturday with his parents.  I was gripped with an uncontrollable urge to expose them to Spartacus: Blood and Sand. I grabbed their remote and loaded up an episode from the OnDemand menu.  I fast forwarded through most of the episode and we watched the scene where Spartacus defeats Theokoles.

Then I just told them to ask Derrick’s dad about the show. 

I walked out of their house knowing this terrible show was out of my life forever.

The previous Friday was the Jucy Lucy experimental Friday Night Supper Club. Near the end of the night I was aimlessly flipping channels when I came across the brand new episode of Spartacus: Blood and Sand. I told Jay and Willy that they HAD to see this show. Everybody should experience what might be the worst show in the history of television. I apologized to Dawn for subjecting her to such a thing as this show.

Jay and Willy agreed that this show was wretched but it had a certain lure to it. You do want to keep watching to see what extremely bizarre and terrible thing that they are going to do next.

Dawn “pretended” to get a text message in the middle of the show and left.

I woke up the morning following exposing Jen and Derrick to the show and felt terrible about being powerless against the dreadful allure of this awful show.  My self-esteem took a beating. I looked in the mirror (not literally) and I quit Spartacus: Blood and Sand.

I walked away from the show that day. It has been 3 weeks now and I finally feel good about myself again.

Proust Questionnaire Number Ten

Proust Quote:
“Happiness serves hardly any other purpose than to make unhappiness possible.”

Confessions Question:
Your idea of happiness

Confidences Question:
My dream of happiness.

Proust’s Answer:
I am afraid it be not great enough, I dare not speak it, I am afraid of destroying it by speaking it.

That Proust sure was a coward. “I am afraid of destroying it…” But he was from France and that is a country that isn’t exactly known for its courage.

However, I think there is some truth in the quote that happiness exists to make unhappiness possible. I think it is closer to the truth to say that unhappiness makes the experience of happiness richer. I would also argue that unhappiness is at its lowest depth before happiness arrives. But happiness is a much more powerful (although frailer) emotion than unhappiness. A little drop of happiness blows unhappiness out of the water.

There is a misery questionnaire question where I will repeat this basic information, but I think in general terms, the greatest misery is in waiting for a certain thing to happen. The greatest happiness is when that certain thing happens. That certain thing might not ever happen, therefore a person sometimes has to come to acceptance.

There are certainly things that make me happy. One of them ends frequently with the phrase “Sweet dreams.”

I have two friends that are diametrically opposed on the concept of dreams. One friend believes that dreams are an intricate part of life. They should be held up and examined every day and they should be pursued with every breath of your being. If you call his phone, the voicemail message will tell you that you have reached, “Dreams, Incorporated.” It is not a real company, so don’t give him any money. You won’t get it back. But your money will help him pursue his dreams.

This friend’s philosophy on dreams would best be summed up by the Marcel Proust quote:

“If a little dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream less but to dream more, to dream all the time.”

The other friend thinks that it is pointless to pursue dreams because dreams can’t become reality. He once noted that he couldn’t “grow bat wings” in reality. All this talk about dreams is a humbug!

This friend’s philosophy on dreams would be best summed up by the Baltasar Gracian quote:

“Dreams will get you nowhere, a good kick in the pants will take you a long way.”

My philosophy lies somewhere in the middle. I certainly believe that dreams are worth pursuing. To not have aspirations or goals leads to somewhat of an aimless existence, but perhaps I don’t follow my dreams with the type of vigor that Friend One does.

If dreams are (what I think they are) our ideas of perfect happiness, then these are a few of my dreams:

Some of these are attainable dreams. Some of them are in the “bat wing” category.

To hear Jay say, “Want to come over and watch a completed version of Games 2 tonight?”
To hear Willy say, “And this is my beautiful wife…”
To hear Shannon say, “Wow! You organized that really well. If this is the caliber of person that Iowa State University produces, I should root for their athletic teams when they play anybody but my beloved UNI Panthers.”
To hear Geri D. say, “Opening night for the One Act play you wrote will be…”
To hear Jen say, “Maybe the dogs don’t like being dressed up.”
To hear Derrick say, “Yeah, Pink Floyd called and they want to open for us on our European Tour. I told them we would get back to them.”
To hear Jill say, “I think I have changed my mind… feet are funny, not gross!”
To hear Sara say, “I looked in the mirror and decided, I didn’t need that Hello Kitty humidifier.”
To hear Monica say, “I just don’t have room for all these paintings I have done. Here, take about 5-10 of these off my hands.”
To hear Baier say, “I really shouldn’t be that emotionally invested in a pro sports team in a city that is 3 hours away from where I live. I think I’m going to take that wasted energy and train my dog to be less racist. Perhaps research unicorn blood in my spare time.”
To hear Russell say, “I don’t even know why I ever even question anything you say about sports, politics, movies or life. Mr. Bennett, I am in awe of you. In the future, when you speak, I will sit silently and keep notes. It is my greatest fear that some of your wisdom will be lost to the following generations.”
To hear Nader say, “The new Harry Potter movie was pretty good.”
To hear Andree say, “Maybe I have too many televisions. 7 is a lot for 1 guy.”
To hear Scottie D. say, “I apologize for ever questioning your commitment to tenderloins. You may hit me one time.”
To hear Eric say, “Dogs are really better than cats. I don’t know why I couldn’t see that before.”
To hear Jesse say, “I’ve thought about it. Maybe I should worship somebody that actually gets some playing time during the Olympics, rather than that creepy looking Finch girl.”

There are more, but I might be on happiness overload just thinking on my dreams.