Category Archives: Baier

Celebration Nonterminus

It has been an interesting week thus far.

I thought that yesterday I was going to take a major step forward towards fixing my car situation. Jason and I had scoped out a 2004 Buick LeSabre on Car Trader. It was right within my desired price range and only had 33,000 miles on it.

I called down to the dealership in Perry to make sure the car was still there and then I left work early and we headed down. Basically as we pulled onto the lot, the car we came to look at drove off the lot with its new owner.

The car had sat on the lot since September without being sold. In the two hours between when we called down to see if it was still on the lot and showed up on the lot it had been sold.

I’m not much of a fate guy, but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. The car search continues.

Birthday Gatherings

I have not celebrated my birthday much recently. However, this year it seems to be over celebrated. I had a barbecue with the family on Sunday. Jay took me to West Side Deli for lunch on Monday. I had lunch with Stephanie at Dublin Bay on Tuesday.

Check out the sweet hunk of bread she brought me from Pittsburgh:



From the Allegro Bakery in Pittsburgh, PA.

On Tuesday night Baier, Russell and Andree took me out to King Buffet. I’ve gotten a few phone messages from people wanting to give me “late cakes” or go see Indiana Jones next week. So the Sunday gathering might be a small group, but perhaps it will be just the right number of people.

Bad Photos

I got all of the old pictures off of my phone. There aren’t a terribly large amount of pictures on there because the old phone is about 4 years old and didn’t have much memory on it.

It turns out almost every picture on that phone ranges from bad to horrible. Although some are amusing.


One major plus of the new phone is the memory card. I can use pictures taken by a real camera for the Caller ID Photo. As you can tell by these images, that will make a big difference.

Lessons Learned in a Giant’s Town

On May 10, 2008, I loaded up into the famous Rideshare Van with Baier and we headed to Fort Dodge to tour the Fort Dodge Museum and see the “Real” Cardiff Giant.

I already knew that there would be a certain amount of controversy surrounding the trip and the Cardiff Giant due to the Cardiff Giant’s phallus. However, I will delve more deeply into the realm of the Cardiff Giant and his junk later. Today I just want to cover some of the salient points of the trip.

We did some important things like:


Cardiff Giant - Fort Dodge
Take the Traditional Road Trip Photo

Cardiff Giant - Fort Dodge
Pretend to be Repentant Prisoners

Cardiff Giant - Fort Dodge
See the Cardiff Giant

However we also learned a few things on this trip.

heck out the “Conditions for Employment for Teachers” in 19th Century Central Iowa.


Cardiff Giant - Fort Dodge
Like you can read that! Stop squinting!

Since you can’t read that, let me start out by saying I know some womenfolk that I hold in very high regard. Some of them its even for their morality. But I don’t know a single womanfolk that could hold to these standards or would even bother trying.

Conditions for Employment

  • Must not dress in bright colors
  • Dresses must not be more than two inches above the ankles
  • At least 2 petticoats must be worn (I’d kind of like to know why that matters.)
  • Petticoats will be dried in pillowcases (Again, why does that matter?)
  • Teachers will not marry
  • Teachers will not keep company with men
  • Will not get into a carriage or automobile with any man, except her brother or father
  • Teachers are expected to be at home between the hours of 8 pm and 6 am.
  • Teacher will not smoke
  • Teacher will not play cards
  • Teacher will not dye her hair under any circumstance (Not even if dressing as Ginny Weasley for Halloween)
  • Teacher will attend church each Sunday
  • Teacher will either teach Sunday School OR sing in the choir
  • Teacher will not leave town without permission of the Chairman of the School Board
  • BUT THIS ONE IS BY FAR MY FAVORITE: Teachers will not loiter at ice cream stores

Another lesson learned on this trip is that the man who carved the “Real” Cardiff Giant looked eerily similar to Donald Pleasence’s Doctor Loomis character from the horror movie classic Halloween (1978).


Cardiff Giant - Fort Dodge
Dr. Loomis

Haddonfield isn’t all that far away. I bet Smith’s Grove isn’t that far away either. Perhaps he just swung over on his breaks.

Even though I haven’t watched a horror movie in many a year now, I still have thoughts like this running through my head (in Donald Pleasence’s voice) when I look at the Cardiff Giant:

I met him, fifteen years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes… the *devil’s* eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that [Giant’s] eyes was purely and simply… *evil*.

Or

– I- I watched him for fifteen years, sitting in a room, staring at a wall, not seeing the wall, looking past the wall – looking at this night, inhumanly patient, waiting for some secret, silent alarm to trigger him off. Death has come to your little town, Sheriff. Now you can either ignore it, or you can help me to stop it.

Or

This isn’t a man.

A final non-gypsum-phallus related lesson we learned is never eat at the Fort Dodge Bonanza, no matter how nostalgic you are feeling for the old Ames Bonanza. The high point of that meal was watching an employee refill the buffet with a cigarette dangling out of his mouth.

There are many more pictures posted in the famous Photography 139 Gallery in The Cardiff Giant Road Trip Album:

Cardiff Giant Road Trip

BELOW IS NO LONGER ACCURATE:

There are some bonus pictures in the Friends Album that you have to be a Registered User to see. There might have been some rules violations in those pictures and I don’t feel right posting those for the whole world to see after the Museum Director asked to buy some pictures off of me.

Ames Jaycees Sandbox Fill

Saturday was the big annual Ames Jaycees Sandbox Fill. I’m going to try to combine a couple of different things together to describe the event and I’m not sure it is going to come together exactly right.

So like I was saying, Saturday was the big annual Ames Jaycees Sandbox Fill. We met up at the Salvation Army at about 8:30 in the morning. We were split up into two teams: Team 1 and Team 2. I was assigned to Team 2. I felt that our team name was not indicative of our dominance in the realm of sandbox filling and was an attempt by Team 1 to claim a superiority that they hadn’t earned at the handles of a wheelbarrow. I suggested that we change our team name to Team Kicks Team 1’s Ass. I’m not sure we ever really made a decision on our team name.

Regardless of the fact that our team name did not indicate such, we were filled with powerhouses:

  • Shannon (Team Leader)
  • Melissa
  • Jamie
  • Adam
  • Jason
  • Keith

We ended up dominating the morning and early afternoon by any meaningful criteria. We filled two more sandboxes than they did, including 1 that wasn’t even on our list of assigned sandboxes and 1 that was on Team 1’s list. We also finished up well before they did, despite a couple of hiccups that were not the fault of anybody on our team.

On a downer note, I was also told that I seemed like a Computer Guy. I don’t think that I’ve ever been so insulted in many a year.

Monday morning came around and I started exchanging e-mails with my chums from The Principal Group. I let it slip out that I had stood around the Salvation Army parking lot for about 25 minutes on Saturday morning.

Russell jumped onto this little tidbit:

You appear to be loitering or are involved in some sort of drug trafficking scheme. Am I the only one who felt this needed explaining?

I wrote back:

It was actually public service. Saturday was the Jaycees Sandbox Fill. We met at the Salvation Army. Look below to see a not very good picture of me from Saturday.


Ames Jaycees Sandbox Fill - 2008

The Me Not Looking So Good Picture

To which Russell replied:

You still appear to be committing some sort of criminal activity. The other person has a do rag, and when the do rag comes out, it’s never above board. How long have you worked for the mafia, Chris?

And Andree added:

I believe that Chris was indeed working. He’s a photographer, thus knows when to stop working and how to pose when a photo-op arrives to make himself as photogenic as possible given the circumstances.

And Baier added:

Doesn’t anyone else think that Chris looks added to this picture; to make it seem like he did a public service? Really; what kind of person who is actually working with a wheelbarrow smiles?

Then Russell added this:

Why the hell is she doing the digging and you’re holding a wheelbarrow? Be a man and get your hands dirty!

To which I was forced to respond:

I don’t know what is more manly, but moving a wheelbarrow full of sand is not work for the faint of heart. It is a manly and strenuous job. But if you must know, I did my fair share of raking. See picture below:

Ames Jaycees Sandbox Fill - 2008

Look! My hands are dirty and now it is more difficult to eat donuts.

Now I’m going to step back from The Principal Group for a moment. There was one moment that kind of soured the day. There was a moment of prejudice and bigotry that made the day a little bit sad. The type of prejudice and bigotry that I thought that this great nation of ours had moved beyond, but I’m going to regale you with the tale because at least one member of Team Kicks Team 1’s Ass found it to be a hoot.

A customer of ours saw Jamie pushing a wheelbarrow.


Ames Jaycees Sandbox Fill - 2008
Jamie and her Wheelbarrow

The customer approached Shannon and asked her this bigoted question:

What do you call a woman doing a man’s job?

I don’t know.

Lazy.

Let us put that sad story of prejudice and move back to the e-mails of The Principal Group.

After I sent out the picture of my raking, I figured I would be inundated with apologies, but that didn’t happen.

Russell responded thusly:

And in this picture you’re face is enshrouded in darkness. And how cruel is it to be burying merchandise and stolen goods underneath children’s playground equipment? Have you mafia types no shame?

I responded:

Perhaps you would like to sign on and help for next year? Stolen merchandise just won’t bury its self.

For the record, I now have a prejudice against sandboxes that are underneath play equipment, where the slide doesn’t move out of the way.

Russell’s reply:

I will volunteer if there aren’t a lot of kids running around. The Big Hu-Hot has never been an patient man. And the Big Hu-Hot will also not work in inclement conditions, but is not opposed to some muscle work if it’s for a good cause or a percentage of any profits. My do rag is black, though, not lily white, so I’d be naturally worried that would cause a conflict.

So perhaps next year I might be able to get Russell out there to move some sand around.

I do have more pictures of the event. You can click on the picture below, or the link below the picture and it will take you to my Snapshots Gallery. After that all you have to do is click on the Ames Jaycees Album and get to perusing.


Ames Jaycees’ Sandbox Fill

SNAPSHOTS GALLERY NO LONGER EXISTS

A few things for you to consider about the Snapshots Gallery. You can now register to use the Snapshots Gallery. The only thing that is required is a valid e-mail address.

In the upper right hand corner, there is a link that says “Register”. Just click on that, agree to my terms and conditions and then fill out some information. An e-mail will arrive in your inbox that tells you how to complete the registration process. Here is a hint: It involves clicking on a link in the e-mail.

Once you have registered, you can Login. Here are the benefits of registering:

  • Unlock Private Albums
  • Edit Personal Profile Information
  • Leave Comments on Pictures
  • Rate Pictures
  • Favorite Pictures

This Gallery is still under construction (meaning new pictures are added daily), but it is fully functioning.

If for some reason you don’t get an e-mail to activate your account, then just e-mail me and I’ll activate your account.

Also, if you have an account for the Artistic Photo Gallery, that doesn’t mean you have an account for the Snapshots Gallery. The galleries are controlled by separate databases (in actuality separate tables) and therefore you need to create separate accounts for both. However, you can still use all the same information for both.

Any way, that is enough computer garbage. You’ll figure it out, I’m starting to sound like a Computer Guy, but that is a bit of unpleasantness to discuss in the future.

Little White Lye Bonus

What you are about to experience is bits of a national advertising campaign that I would suggest that Little White Lye Soap launch immediately. However, I don’t have much pull in that department. So we’ll have to see what happens.

These pictures are of the actual models that I would use, but the background is not the background that I would use, for most of the models because I just took a picture of them the first time that I ran into them. Just imagine that the background is consistent with the quote underneath the characters.


04-19-08
“After a long day of kissing babies and pressing flesh, nothing cleans off the smell of constituent like Little White Lye Soap.”

04-19-08
“Oh my! After a long evening at the theater with Tennessee Williams, nothing cleans off the powerful odor of mendacity like Little White Lye Soap.”

04-19-08
“Nothing relaxes me and makes me ready for sleep after a long day’s work than a hot shower with Little White Lye Soap.”

04-19-08
“After a long morning of schooling chumps, nothing takes the rank of other people’s failures and broken dreams off me like Little White Lye Soap.”

04-19-08
“After a long night of grinding on the honeys in the clubs, nothing rids a dance machine of the stench of barfly like Little White Lye Soap.”

04-19-08
“There is just no way around it, I’m a handsome man and Little White Lye keeps me handsome by making me clean, while being gentle on my sensitive skin.”

04-19-08
My woman likes my skin to be soft to the touch and Little White Lye Soap keeps my skin soft and that makes my woman happy.”

04-19-08
“After a long night of rocking, Little White Lye Soap cleans off the reek of groupie and leaves me smelling fresh in the morning.”

04-19-08
“After a long day at the office explaining to old people that their 401K dropping 25% in value in the last week is just a normal market fluctuation I feel morally dirty. Nothing restores me to moral equilibrium like a long bath with Little White Lye Soap.”

I imagine these running in GQ. I’ll have to wait and see what the boss says.

Mendacious

Over the last few days I have intermittently worked on some photos for a big product endorsement I’m going to be doing in the very near future. I asked a few friends to pose for the picture, without giving them any information. I would have thought that our friendship would have been enough for them to just sign on to be willing participants for my photo experiments. I learned that some of my friends just don’t trust me that much. Here is a break down of friends that trust me and friends that need to ask questions constantly:


Friends that Trust

Baier
Jesse
Nader
Russell
Faust
Derrick

Friends that Don’t Trust

Jay
Willy
Andree

I don’t know if these guys are just the untrusting sort or if I have wronged them at some point in our past.

Spring Game

I started my Saturday by stepping on the basketball court at Beyer Hall for the first time in over a year. To be more direct, it was the first time I have stepped on any basketball court in over a year.

On the court with me was Andree, Russell and Baier. We had been planning this game for over a month. Through a series of e-mails I might have built my basketball skills up to them based on the baller that I was in my youth. I was not the only one though. Russell gave himself the nickname The Open Flame. I believe he also gave himself the nickname the Big HuHot. He also gave himself the nickname The Big Nome de Plume. However, he decided to rely mostly on the nickname The Open Flame. I tried to get him to wear a head band with flame design, but he only indicated that he would “work on it”.

I did not want to be outnicknamed, so in the tradition of some of my friends, I chose to give myself the nickname The Almighty. This was mostly based on the fact that Andree claims that the only thing that could make him cower is being in the presence of The Almighty.

There was doubt that I would be able to live up to the nickname, but through our first three contests I lived up to the nickname and more. I opened up the outside game early, then I showed off my post up moves. Then I cracked out the dribble penetration. Finally I showed off the passing game.

After three games, I was The Almighty. I was undefeated and everybody else had felt the bitter taste of defeat. Then my years of eating bad food and not exercising caught up to me. I ran out of steam. I didn’t fare so well in the last couple of games, but no need to dwell on that.

After the basketball game, Baier and I met up with Willy, Faust and Bret in lot B6 for a little tailgating. I had brought my grill over, but I was a bit concerned that it would not fire up. That fear was not necessary. The grill fired up and we knocked down a wide assortment of meats and a pasta salad that Baier had made. A couple other gents joined us and we made our way to the spring game. I posted some pictures from the Spring Game in the Snapshots Gallery. You can get there via the picture of the link below:


Spring Game

IOWA STATE FOOTBALL – 2008


I have some observations from the Spring Game, but I don’t really put any stock in the Spring Game, so I won’t bore you with any of that information.

Looking for a Scab

The Baiers and I took Nader out for supper tonight. He leaves for London to be reunited with his family on Saturday. He will be there for six weeks.

That is excellent news for him, but that leaves me without a movie buddy. So I might put out a Help Wanted Ad for a Temp.

Help Wanted

Scab Nader – Temporary position that could last up to six weeks. Job responsibilities involve going to movies with me. Must love art house movies, independent films, foreign films and documentaries. It would be considered a bonus if any applicant can change the name of movies they don’t like with the use of mild profanity. Example: Lord of the Crap. Applicants should forward their resume and list of favorite movies to bennett@photography139.com. Applicants that include Sin City or Transformers will have their resumes shredded and then burned. I don’t care what the Equal Opportunity Laws say.

I wonder if I will get any applicants.

CASA Fundraiser

My good friends the Baiers are active with a group known as CASA. They are having a fundraiser this week. Take a look at their poster.

IMAGE DELETED

What is CASA?

The shorthand version is that they help children with crappy parents.

The long version goes something like this:

In 1977, a Seattle judge conceived the idea of using trained community volunteers to speak for the best interests of abused and neglected children in court. So successful was this program that soon judges across the country began utilizing citizen advocates. In 1990, the US Congress encouraged the expansion of CASA programs with passage of the Victims of Child Abuse Act.

Today, we have grown to a network of more than 50,000 volunteers that serve 225,000 abused and neglected children through 900+ local program offices nationwide. Our advocates, also known as volunteer guardians ad litem in some jurisdictions, are appointed members of the court. Judges rely on the information these trusted advocates present.

They rely on the CASA’s to do home visits with families and then report to the judge, and decisions are usually made whether or not the parent can keep guardianship. Most mother’s do want to keep their kids, so they will try harder; but every year they do take the kids from the parent.

http://www.nationalcasa.org/

It sounds like a pretty good group to me. Looks like a pretty sweet playhouse as well. So if you have a daughter or even a son that is a little fruity, seems like you could do worse with 5 or 10 bucks.