12 Days of Christmas - Part 2

Day 4

The fourth Christmas blessing that my Lord gave to me:

Song Competition

At Concordia Middle School, 7th grade (also known as Junior 1) through 11th grade (also known as Senior 2), have a couple of intra-grade competitions. One of these is the Christmas song contest. For this competition each classes needs to select a conductor, a pianist, and two songs to sing for the judges. One of the songs needs to be a Christmas song, and other needs to be a religious song. Everyone in the class participates, and they spend over a month preparing to sing.

This year on Wednesday December 23rd, Concordia Middle School had Christmas Worship in the morning from 8:00-9:30. Then from 10:00-12:00, the 7th grade and 9th grade students had their competitions, in the Luther Chapel and Auditorium respectively. After a break for lunch the 10th and 11th graders had their performances in the auditorium, while the 8th graders sang in the chapel.

I absolutely love to listen to their songs. While 80% of the songs are sung in Chinese, there are some English ones and even a Taiwanese song or two. Over the years I have developed several personal favorites of mine, and have even learned the words to a handful of them. It brings such joy to my heart, hearing the students sing praises to God. In addition, it is something they will always remember, and I pray God will use the words of those songs to impact their lives and help them know more about who he is.

Prayer requests:

1. Pray that God would use these songs as means to help the students of Concordia Middle School know about him.


Want to listen? Check out a video from Youtube.





Of course if you subscribe to this blog via email or RSS feed, you will have to go to the website to see the video.

Day 5

The fifth Christmas blessing that my Lord gave to me:

Bright, Glowing Trees

The second intra-grade level Christmas competition that the students have at CMS is the Christmas tree contest. This time, 7th-11th graders are each given a tree or shrub on the main part of campus. They then need to decorate their tree to show a Bible story or Biblical theme. Some of the stories created this year include Jonah, the parable of the Lost Sheep, the Prodigal Son, Noah’s Ark, Jesus Turns Water into Wine, and Revelation. The students are required to make the tree and decorations using recycled products like boxes, paper, and drink boxes or bottles. Students are judged on their creativity, content, appearance, and use of recycled goods. Like their Christmas songs, they spend weeks preparing for the contest.

On the day of the Christmas song competition the students go outside and decorate in the morning or afternoon, depending when their grade is singing. At night all of the trees are lit, and students are able to stay at school until evening to finish decorating, eat dinner as a class, and see the trees at night. The school leaves the trees decorated on campus for a couple of days and lights them for a few hours every evening. Each Christmas I take a little time to walk around the trees at night. I take in the beautiful scenery, appreciate my students’ hard work and pray for them.

Prayer requests:

1. Please pray that the students understand the message in their Bible stories, and that God would use these stories and trees to help the students know more about him.

Day 6

The sixth Christmas blessing that my Lord gave to me:

6 Former Students

In the previous two updates, I shared the joy of students decorating trees and singing songs. I know I touched on it a little bit, but it is something the students really cherish and enjoy. Over the years teaching, I have had many students write about how Christmas is their favorite time of year here at CMS.

This even carries over past their graduation, into their college years. This year, I was blessed to see 6 of my former students at CMS during the Christmas celebration. Two of them attended the Senior High Song Competition, and the other four I saw while I was watching students setting up their Christmas trees.

For all of the students I was able to quickly catch-up with them about how their college experiences are going. We also talked about Christmas here at CMS, and they all reflected how important it was for them and how they wanted to return to see trees or listen to songs.

One of the students, Jason, even came all the way from Taipei just for the afternoon. He had one class on that Wednesday, and decided to skip it at travel down to Chia-Yi. The trip is 3 hours by bus or 1 hour by bullet train. He arrived in the afternoon then had to get up the next morning to return for his Thursday classes, but he talked about how this was the way he wanted to celebrate Christmas.

This really touched me, and helped reinforce the impact of Christmas celebration here in Taiwan. What a blessing it is that Jason wanted to continue celebrating Christmas into college, and that he wanted to do so with the Christmas Trees that show Bible stories, and songs that praise Jesus.

Prayer requests:

1. Pray that God will continue to work in the lives of all of these students: Jenny, Sam, Terry, Jackal, Peter, and Jason. That the message of Christmas will sink into their hearts and create faith in the Savior.
2. Praise God that they were able to make it back to CMS and that I was able to see them, if even for a brief amount of time.

The 12 Christmas blessings that my Lord gave to me
-6 former students
-Bright, glowing trees
-Song Competition
-Lost Son Skit
-Water and Word
and
-Messiah on Christmas Eve

Happy Insight Bowl!

Today is a major holiday! Today is the day that Iowa State plays Minnesota in the Insight Bowl! I thought I would celebrate this major holiday by sharing some of my favorite pictures from the season.




























































































It is one of the greatest days of the year. Today would be a great day to wear a Cyclone hoodie! After all, they aren't just for family events!

Proust Questionnaire Number Sixteen

Proust Quote:
"What a profound significance small things assume when the woman we love conceals them from us."

We have come to the end of the days where I will answer any more Proust questions. I hope some people got something out of this little exercise. I will give special thanks to Angie, as she is the only person that either read these little essays or is the only person to have the testicular fortitude to also share her answers. I fear the lack of participation has dashed my hopes of playing this little parlor game at a tea party this Spring.

Since this is the last day, rather than throwing a bunch of words at one question I will answer all the remaining questions with just one or two words.

Your favorite virtue or The principal aspect of my personality:
Valor (of the Seven Holy Virtues)
Temperance (of the Eight Heavenly Virtues)
Prudence (of the Four Cardinal Virtues)
Love (of the Three Theological Virtues)

Your chief characteristic:
Veracity

If not yourself, who would you be? or What I should like to be:
Sorted out

My favorite bird:
Crow

Your favorite prose authors or My favorite prose authors:
Salinger

Your favorite heroines in fiction or My favorite heroines in fiction:
Autumn

My favorite composers:
Beethoven

My favorite painters:
Henning

Your heroes in real life or My heroes in real life:
Mom

What characters in history do you most dislike:
Lieberman

Your heroines in World history or My heroines in history:
Hepburn

Your favorite food and drink:
sauerkraut casserole & Pepsi

The military event I admire the most:
30,000

The reform I admire the most:
Health Care

How I wish to die or How I want to die:
Fearless

What is your present state of mind or My present state of mind:
Dull

For what fault have you most toleration? or Faults for which I have the most indulgence:
Inclinations

Before I click "Publish Post" and wish you a safe and Happy New Year, I would like to conclude this little exercise with some of my favorite Proust quotes that didn't make it into any of the previous entries:

"A woman one loves rarely suffices for all our needs, so we deceive her with another whom we do not love."

"As long as men are free to ask what they must, free to say what they think, free to think what they will, freedom can never be lost and science can never regress."

"Every reader finds himself. The writer's work is merely a kind of optical instrument that makes it possible for the reader to discern what, without his book, he would perhaps never have seen in himself."

"Habit is a second nature which prevents us from knowing the first, of which it has neither the cruelties nor the enchantments."

"Happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind."

"In a separation it is the one who is not really in love who says the more tender things."

"It is in moments of illness that we are compelled to recognize that we live not alone but chained to a creature of a different kingdom, whole worlds apart, who has no knowledge of us and by whom it is impossible to make ourselves understood: our body."

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."

"Lies are essential to humanity. They are perhaps as important as the pursuit of pleasure and moreover are dictated by that pursuit."

"Like everybody who is not in love, he thought one chose the person to be loved after endless deliberations and on the basis of particular qualities or advantages."

"Love is space and time measured by the heart."

"No exile at the South Pole or on the summit of Mont Blanc separates us more effectively from others than the practice of a hidden vice."

"The charms of the passing woman are generally in direct proportion to the swiftness of her passing."

"The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."

"The time at our disposal each day is elastic; the passions we feel dilate it, those that inspire us shrink it, and habit fills it."

"There is no man, however wise, who has not at some period of his youth said things, or lived in a way the consciousness of which is so unpleasant to him in later life that he would gladly, if he could, expunge it from his memory."

"Those whose suffering is due to love are, as we say of certain invalids, their own physicians."

"Three-quarters of the sickness of intelligent people come from their intelligence."

"Time passes, and little by little everything we have spoken in falsehood becomes true."

"Time, which changes people, does not alter the image we have retained of them."

"We are healed from suffering only by experiencing it to the full."

"We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us."

"We must never be afraid to go too far, for truth lies beyond."


I have just begun to read Swann's Way. (It was a Christmas present along with Within a Budding Grove and The Guermantes Way!) If I can make it through this entire series, I might be ready to try to tackle Ulysses.

Now that this exercise has concluded, I will begin posting pictures from my latest photo projects very soon.

Proust Questionnaire Number Fifteen

Proust Quote:
"Everything great in the world comes from neurotics. They alone have founded our religions and composed our masterpieces."

Confessions Question:
What I hate the most.

Confidences Question:
What I hate most of all.

Proust's Answer:
What is bad about me.

I'm clearly too arrogant to hate what is bad about me and I try not to dwell much on the concept of hate. In fact, I think I can state with a clear conscience that I don't actually hate anybody.

There are concepts or things that I hate. I hate the Boone Speedway. I hate golf. I hate the fact that Pufferbilly Days is held at the fairgrounds. I hate the Nebraska Cornhuskers, Notre Dame and Duke. I hate the Yankees and Cubs.

Above all things though, I hate ignorance. Perhaps that is a way of hating what is bad about me, but not in a straight line sort of way.

I hate what ignorance brings. Ignorance brings ideologues. I hate ideologues. Ignorance brings prejudice. I hate prejudice. Ignorance brings anti-intellectualism. I hate anti-intellectualism.

However, the way that ignorance effects my every day life (besides having to read news stories about death panels. With apologies to Se7en, "I've been trying to figure something in my head, and maybe you can help me out, yeah? When a person is as dumb as Sarah Palin clearly is, do they know that they are dumb? Maybe they are just sitting around, reading "Guns and Ammo", trying to put a verb next to a noun in a futile attempt to actually complete an intelligible thought, do they just stop and go, 'Wow! It is amazing how frigging dumb I really am!'") is my ignorance when it comes to subjects that can be used for making small talk.

I am terrible when it comes to small talk, but I don't want to put in the time it would take to keep me abreast of the subject that is invariably the focus of small talk - television.

Contrary to my reputation I am not an elitist. I do own a television. It is frequently on. I can't deny that it is to some degree little more than a monitor for my Blu-ray player, but I do frequently watch sports, news, documentaries, The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. In the future I will be giving the show Dexter a shot, but other than that I am completely and utterly ignorant of most television programs.

When I am in a group of people that I don't know well (okay this even frequently happens with people that I know well) I am frequently reduced to little more than a background observer while the others happily chat about the latest episode of Big Brother or about the winner of American Idol or the latest crime solved on Law & Order: NCIS - Miami.

I do not mean to sound greedy. I do not need to be the center of the attention constantly. I can be a background observer occasionally dropping a mind-blowing dimebag of insight on the conversation, but when I get involved in these conversations I cannot really pay attention. I am often forced to drift off to Willy-land. There are chocolate waterfalls and gumdrop forests in Willy-land. That is where I remain until there is a word that draws my interest and breaks through the boredom induced haze.

What I truly wish is that there was a website for people like me that are small talk handicapped. A website where I would go before parties and other social engagements and learn just enough to fake my way through the night. The website could feed me just enough information so that when I was thrust into one of these conversations I could laugh knowingly and when the moment was right I could interject something like:

"Oh yeah. That Adam Lambert is super talented."

or

"Sgt. So and So really nailed him on that episode."

or

"I totally saw that. David Hasselhoff is such a card!"

Then I could retreat back to the anonymity of the background. New money of course, but part of the club.

Proust Questionnaire Number Fourteen

Proust Quote:
"The bonds that unite another person to our self exist only in our mind."

Confessions Question:
Your idea of misery.

Confidences Question:
What would be my greatest misfortune?

Proust's Answer:
Not to have known my mother or grandmother.

I once stated that the greatest misery is waiting for something to happen and the greatest happiness is when that thing happens. Therefore I think the best way to answer this question is to think of what didn't cause me the greatest depth of misery this year, but what caused me the longest length of misery.

Or what was my greatest mistake in 2009?

To answer this question with one hundred percent honesty my greatest mistake is the same as it has been probably every year of my life. My inability to see and act on what is plainly in front of me. This year that inability lead to a huge mistake, but that mistake is one that I feel that I have been able to correct, more or less.

The mistake that caused me the longest stretch of misery was actually a mistake I made in 2008. I wasn't sure how much detail I would go into on this mistake. It is dependent on how deep into the well of bitterness I wanted to go.

However, of all the people I know that should actually loathe the organization that I could easily eviscerate with but a drop of that bitterness, is worried about what I will write. She doesn't want people to think poorly of this organization that she still loves.

Therefore, I will dial the bile back and just keep this simple and short. I will not go into detail about broken federal tax laws, lies, cover-ups, recriminations and witch trials. I will skate around the edges.

The greatest mistake I made in 2009 was joining the board of a community organization.

This organization exists (at least it is my understanding) to help people gain leadership skills. In essence, it is supposed to be a self improvement organization that does this through community service projects.

Self-improvement did not appeal to me. I belong to the Tyler Durden school of thought on self improvement.

I'm not in the need of enhancing my leadership skills. Running small projects isn't that interesting when you've run a million dollar business. Writing a CPG is somewhat of a joke after you've written actual business plans.

However, I was interested in community service. In fact, I would even say that I was happy in the organization until I joined the Board. In the 3 months I spent on the Board, I witnessed backstabbing, political maneuvering and the most ridiculous turf war I have ever witnessed in my life.

In short, it amazed me what I learned that one human being is willing to do to another human being to protect their small piece of the absolute insignificant part of a power structure for an organization that has 50 members and a budget well under $50,00.

Not that this organization isn't significant, but to quote George Bailey, "In the whole vast configuration of things, I'd say (it) is nothing but a scurvy little spider."

In essence there is nothing in this organization that is anywhere near important enough to treat people the way that I witnessed people being treated.

After 3 months on the Board I quit. I can't stand quitting. It is something that runs contrary to the fiber of my being. But sometimes, you have to cut your losses and that is what I did. The Board had broken into 2 factions and the side that I was sitting on had all quit. All of my "allies" were much more passionate about the organization than I was ever going to be and if they weren't really willing to fight for it, then somebody of my nominal interest surely wasn't going to stick around.

But I did stick around the organization for the rest of the year to fulfill some of my obligations. In this time I have come to realize that there isn't really much community service being done by the organization. At least not in the way that I see it. There is a lot of begging other people for money so that they can turn around and give that money to another organization that actually helps people. I don't like begging people for money. Raise money in an honest way and then give the money to the people that actually help other people.

Although my faith in humanity was slightly shaken (I still really can't believe that people would act so heinously to protect something that is so insignificant.) I have decided to make my community service contributions to the world through my church. I will be the Vice President of the Methodist Men for 2010. I have been promised this job has no responsibilities whatsoever.

I figure that if I concentrate my activities on a Christ-centered organization there will be more concentration on actually helping people and less effort to worry about anybody's 3 inches of turf.

That is not to say that I consider my entire time in the organization a waste. Even though I am saddened to think about how much time I wasted on fruitless endeavors in 2009 (I've taken steps to correct that in 2010) I definitely met some incredible and wonderful people through the organization. I hope to continue some of those relationships from outside the organization.

12 Days of Christmas - Part 1

I'm trying to figure out a good way to post Mark's most recent newsletter. He has what I think is a most ingenious idea. He is posting a new thing that he is thankful for on the 12 days of Christmas.

It has come to my attention that most people seem to think the 12 days of Christmas starts 12 days before Christmas and ends on Christmas Day. When in actuality, Christmas is the first day of Christmas and it lasts until Epiphany. Epiphany celebrates the coming of the Magi: Balthasar, Melchior and Gaspar.

Rather than publishing them 1 at a time, or all together, I've decided to publish 3 at a time.

Enjoy Mark's first 3 days of Christmas:

Day 1

1st Day of Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone!

When I was in my teacher education courses at Iowa State I remember getting many pieces of advice, but one particular piece sticks out that I learned in many courses. The advice was that a teacher needs to be a thief. It is absolutely important, to borrow, steal, use and modify ideas from other teachers. I should never think I have all the ideas I need, but should rather be continually learning from others. Well I am glad I listened because as it turns out this piece of advice is definitely true. And for my upcoming newsletters, I am borrowing an idea from Ben and Amy Riley, who are missionaries with me here in Taiwan.

The Christmas season is such a busy and joyful time, with a plethora of activities. Honestly, it is very difficult to put all of these into a newsletter (or two), so instead I am going to give you the 12 Days of Christmas as a substitute for December and January Newsletters. For the next 12 days, I will give you a short update, highlighting an aspect of the ministry here in Taiwan, most of which will focus on the Christmas season.

Let me know if you like this or regular newsletters, but I thought it would be fun to try something new. So without further delay…

The Twelve Christmas Blessings that My Lord Gave to Me:

1. Messiah in Church on Christmas Eve

The most important blessing is the gift of Jesus, our savior and king. On Christmas night, Salvation Lutheran Church had a Christmas service, featuring selection’s from Handel’s Messiah. These selections were performed by many of our very talented members at church. With the church was filled with both members and non-members alike, all of whom were able to hear about God sending a savior to the world.

Praise God for his love and pray for those who came to church but do not yet know him.

Day 2

The Second Christmas blessing that my Lord gave to Me:

Water and Word

Baptism is a wonderful gift that God has given us. This past December we had our Fall Missionary Retreat in Sun Moon Lake. The focus of this retreat was our baptism and the faith and confidence that we have because of God’s work in this way. The retreat was a relaxing time to get away for a weekend, build-up our team, and refocus on God’s word.

Baptism was also part of our worship service this morning. This morning at Salvation Lutheran Church, God brought Erin Shu into his family through water and the word. Erin is a Senior in High School at Chia-Yi Girls school, and has been attending Youth Group and Friday Night Bible Study over the last few years.

Prayer requests
1. Praise God for a great retreat in early December.
2. Praise God for his work in Erin’s life, and for her baptism this morning.
3. Pray that Erin will grow in faith and that God will use the members of Salvation Lutheran church to encourage and support her in Christian love.

The 12 Christmas blessings that my Lord gave to me:

-Water and Word
and
-Messiah on Christmas Eve

Day 3

The third Christmas blessing that my Lord gave to me:

Lost Son Skit

Every Christmas season is busy with practices and preparations for our annual Christmas dramas. One of the dramas that I helped to write this year was a drama about the Prodigal Son. This drama was a modern re-telling of the parable, and was a wordless production with the action driven by a musical soundtrack.

16 people participated in the skit, and it featured roles such as the father, sons, servants, wild livers (that is people who live wildly), gangsters, and a pig farmer with pigs. My role was to be one of the gangsters who stole from and beat up the wasteful son. The soundtrack included songs such as Whistle While You Work, My Heart Will Go On (from Titanic), ABAA’s “Money, Money, Money”, and a song from the West Side Story.

The skit was really funny and overly dramatic, but afterwards we connected the skit to Christmas. We are all like that son who leaves the father and wants to live for himself. But God loves us, and accepts us even though we sin and fall short of his law of love. He forgives us through his son Jesus Christ, who was born as a baby on the first Christmas.

We performed the Lost Son drama four times. The performances were for the On-Campus Student Fellowship Christmas party, the Friday Night Bible Study Christmas party, the Saturday School Orphanage Christmas Celebration (I’ll write more about this at another time), and on Sunday morning worship. Praise God for the chance to share the message of his love through this entertaining method.

Prayer requests:

1. Pray for those who watched the drama, that they may understand and believe in God’s love for them.
2. Pray for this Thursday morning when we will perform the skit one last time for the 7th grade students at the weekly chapel service. Pray that God would help them to understand the message and pray for us teachers as we prepare to do the skit and lead songs.

The 12 Christmas blessings that my Lord gave to me:

-Lost Son Skit
-Water and Word
and
-Messiah on Christmas Eve

Happy Christmas Eve

Hope, Peace, Joy and Love are promises offered to us by God, and all of them manifest in this one we light tonight: the Christ Candle. In Christ we find the hope of transformation, the peace that follows justice, the joy of self-fulfillment in community, and the love that encompasses us in all our diversity, empowering us to make our own unique contribution to this world. In Christ we find light and life, and the courage to be like him, answering his call, following in his footsteps.

25 Years

I think I've only shared these pictures with one person, but some of these are framed and going on my wall. I thought I would share them with people who might not make it to my house in the foreseeable future.




















There are more pictures going on the wall, but some of them are just too large to scan.

Proust Questionnaire Number Thirteen

Proust Quote:
"Let us leave pretty women to men devoid of imagination."

Confessions Question:
Your favorite qualities in a woman.

Confidences Question:
The quality I desire in a woman.

Proust's Answer:
Manly virtues, and frankness in friendship.

I do have to repeat - "Did I mention that Proust was gay?" With apologies to Proust, I kind of like pretty women as well.

Putting that aside, I do fear that some of these answers will both incriminate me and give away some of the precious information that I have hoarded over the years for my seminar: "All the Things I REALLY Can't Believe that Women Can't Figure Out About Men!"

Fortunately most of this information is me-specific and not applicable to the Man Kingdom as a general rule.

I wish to start with a scene from a fairly benign but fairly dreadful teen comedy called Drive Me Crazy.

In the scene, the male lead is approached by a couple of reporters for the newspaper and they ask him (more or less) to describe his dream girl. He responds (once again apologies for the vulgarity):

"All right. She's the kind of girl who'll call you on your bullshit. She's not afraid to dance. She offers to pay. She doesn't decide before a date whether she's gonna kiss you or not. She's not completely earnest, yet she's not completely ironic either... She orders dessert, and she can be ready in ten minutes."

"Well, we will have to change that 'bullshit' to 'bull'."

"Well, then use 'pretensions'."

Now I'm certainly not going down the "dream girl" road, but if I look back on 2009 and think of the women that have raised their stock this year, these must be the attributes that I think women should possess.

• Women should smell nice.
• Women should know that when a man makes a wrong turn, it isn't really a wrong turn, the man is choosing to take the scenic route.
• Women should cry at movies.
• Women should give A Clockwork Orange a chance. They can worry that it is kind of violent (so much so that it requires a reassuring phone call), but after time, it should grow on them.
• Women should absolutely, positively, affectionately, affirmatively, aggressively, articulately, assertively, clandestinely, cognitively, concisely, constructively, creatively, cutely, definitely, densely, desperately, selectively, exhaustively, expansively, explosively, freely, genuinely, impressively, indeterminately, inordinately, intensely, obstinately, obsessively, passionately, pensively, perceptively, perversely, privately, profusely, resolutely, routinely, safely, sagely, sanely, savagely, sportively, substantively, supinely, surely, unchastely, uniquely, verbosely love words that end in "ely".
  
• Women should know a little bit about sports, perhaps even have played sports in the past or present. They should understand the basics of what they are watching. It is okay for a woman to ask some questions, but I would say that about 3 per half is a good rule of thumb. It is okay for women to have opinions on sports, but they shouldn't be more well thought out than a man's opinions on sports. A certain amount of a man's self-worth is dependent on how well he understands sports and when a woman knows more about sports than a man, the man feels inadequate.
• A woman should never pretend to be dumb.
• A woman should like jazz. Real jazz.
  
• A woman should let a man off the hook if he agrees to have his tonsils removed with her if she ever has to have them removed a second time because he wasn't being serious. He didn't know that tonsils could grow back.
• A woman shouldn't whine incessantly about every picture ever taken of her. She should accept her beauty with a quiet grace.
• A woman should have some musical talent.
• A woman should have a soft heart for small children and animals.
• A woman should have an adventurous heart. Especially when it comes to posing for photos.
• A woman should have some artistic skills. Beaver drawing skills are a premium.
• A woman should have some interest in the arts.
• A woman should be able to eat candy or fatty foods without talking about how "fat" she is.
• A woman should own at least a pair of fuzzy socks and pjs.
• A woman should know of an alley that is photogenic.

Although hardly comprehensive, I think this list is a good start. As good as it is going to get at this time.

Proust Questionnaire Number Twelve

Proust Quote:
"All our final decisions are made in a state of mind that is not going to last."

Confessions Question:
Your main fault.

Confidences Question:
My main fault.

Proust's Answer:
Not knowing, not being able to "want".

Ye be warned, any that go much further. What lies below is discussion of the movie Gone Baby Gone. If you haven't seen the movie and don't wish for the ending to be spoiled for ye, stop reading right now!

The offense that I'm about to admit to is not easy for somebody that is as extremely manly as I am to confess. I have come to realize in the last few months that my greatest fault is that I am too emotional.

I have been reassured that being this way is a "good thing", but I am not without my doubts.

For example, on two separate occasions this year, I reacted to situations at a very visceral level. I don't want to go into details about those situations, but one time it took the counsel of very good friends to prevent me from making what would have ultimately been a huge blunder. The second situation caused me to send a profane text message to my eldest sister. Perhaps the first time she has heard me utter such filth. I think you all know how I feel about base language and why I feel that way.

Even more than those situations, I think I can pinpoint my reaction to the movie Gone Baby Gone as when I realized how emotional some of my reactions have become.

Gone Baby Gone is a 2007 movie directed by Ben Affleck. I know that makes it sound awful, but it turns out that as bad as Affleck is as an actor, he is a pretty good director.

I am fairly dreadful at writing up a synopsis of books or movies, so I lifted a synopsis from the Internet Movie Database:

The tough private eye Patrick Kenzie was raised in a poor and dangerous neighborhood of Boston, and works with his partner and girlfriend Angie Gennaro generally tracking missing losers in debt. When the four year-old Amanda McCready is abducted from her apartment, her aunt Beatrice 'Bea' McCready calls the police and the press, and the case is highlighted with the spots by the media. Then Bea hires the reluctant Patrick to work in the case because he is not a cop and based on his great knowledge of their neighborhood. Meanwhile Capt. Jack Doyle, who lost his own daughter many years ago and is in charge of the investigation, assigns detectives Remy Bressant and Nick Pole to give the necessary support to Patrick. After interviewing the addicted low life mother of Amanda, Helene McCready, Patrick goes to a bar and discloses that Helene was on the streets with her boyfriend Skinny Ray Likanski dealing and using drugs on the day Amanda disappeared. Along his investigation, Patrick faces smalltime criminals, drug dealers, pedophiles and corruption, facing a moral issue to solve the case.

The first time I watched this movie I was outraged by the ending of the movie. I don't mind a movie having a sad and/or depressing ending. Some of my favorite movies are Once, The Ox-Bow Incident, Paths of Glory...

But at the end of this movie, one character that I had grown to love makes the wrong decision. A very wrong decision. In fact, the thought never even crossed my mind that he made the right decision. That was until I began discussing this movie with other people. I quickly found out that I am the only person that thinks that Patrick Kenzie makes the wrong decision at the end of the movie.

Well, almost the only person.

But as I reflected on the movie some more, I realized that Patrick actually makes 2 moral decisions. Then after discussing the movie extensively I came to realize that there is actually a third moral decision that other characters in the movie make that I never even considered whether or not they were right or if they were wrong. I instinctively knew what I thought was right, but as it turns out, I am also in the minority on this as well.

As it turns out, the only person to agree with me (that I have found) on these 3 moral dilemmas 100% is Jill. Everybody else seems to disagree with me 100%.

I am going to do some extensive quoting of the movie Gone Baby Gone and it does contain quite a bit of profanity. I apologize if this offends anybody's delicate sensibilities, but that is the way it has to be.

Gone Baby Gone starts with this line of dialogue. I don't know if it is particularly relevant to this discussion, but it sets the stage for Patrick's personal code of morality.

Patrick Kenzie: I always believed it was the things you don't choose that makes you who you are. Your city, your neighborhood, your family. People here take pride in these things, like it was something they'd accomplished. The bodies around their souls, the cities wrapped around those. I lived on this block my whole life; most of these people have. When your job is to find people who are missing, it helps to know where they started. I find the people who started in the crack and then fell through. This city can be hard. When I was young, I asked my priest how you could get to heaven and still protect yourself from all the evil in the world. He told me what God said to His children: "You are sheep among wolves. Be wise as serpents, yet innocent as doves."

When Amanda McCready is kidnapped, her aunt and uncle hire Patrick and his girlfriend Angie to augment the investigation. Amanda's mom Helene is a drug addict and a terrible parent. Imagine all of the Wal-Mart parents you have seen in your life. Now multiply that by 10.

Angie does not want to take the case:

Angie: We have a good life, right?

Patrick: Is that a trick question?

Angie: I don't wanna find their little kid in a dumpster.

Patrick: Maybe she's not in a dumpster, babe.

Angie: I don't wanna find a little kid after they've been abused for three days.

Patrick: Hon, nobody does.

Patrick and Angie meet up with the police that are assigned to keep them in the loop and find out that the only lead the cops have is a pedophile that has dropped off the police radar.

Detective Remy Bressant: Corwin Earle. Serial molester, recently work-release. Went AWOL around the time Amanda disappeared.

Detective Poole: Known associates - Leon Trett and his handsome wife, Roberta. The Tretts were released six and eight months ago, respectively. They have drug habits. We don't know where they are, but we think Corwin's with them. Jailhouse snitch claims that Corwin confided in him and told him when he got out, he was gonna move in with his family. Apparently, the three of them have some kind of Addams Family deal going on.

Bressant: Corwin's plan is to keep a kid in the house to have sex with.

Patrick: Well, that sounds promising.

Bressant: Not for Amanda, it doesn't.

Through Patrick and Amanda's investigation they learn that Helene wasn't at her neighbor's house on the night that Amanda was kidnapped. She was down at the Fillmore (think Wilson's Tap if you are from Boone or Deano's if you are from Ames) doing drugs. They also learn that Helene and her boyfriend robbed a local drug dealer named Cheese. With the blessing of Bressant and Poole, Patrick and Angie approach Cheese in an attempt to broker at trade: the stolen money for Amanda.

Cheese denies he has Amanda and turns down the offer.

Cheese: You got my money, you leave that shit in the mailbox on your ass way out, you feel me? Some mother fuckers let fool rob on them. I don't play scrimmage. But I don't fuck with no kids. And if that girl only hope is you, well, I pray for her, because she's gone, baby. Gone.

Later Cheese calls in and brokers a deal with Bressant. But the deal is intercepted by Captain Jack Doyle. He does not want to go through with the deal, but feels obligated to, since to welch on the deal would put Amanda's life in danger.

Jack Doyle: Do you have any children, Miss Gennaro?

Angie: No, sir.

Doyle: My only child was murdered. She was twelve. Did you hear about it? What you probably didn't hear, and what I hope you never have to deal with, Miss Gennaro, is what that feels like. What I have to deal with. Knowing that my little girl likely died crying out for me to come and save her. And I never did. My little girl died afraid and alone in a shallow ditch bank by the side of the road, not ten minutes from my house. I know what it feels like to lose a child. Now damn it, you force my hand and then you question the way I handle it.

Bressant: No one's questioning you, sir.

Doyle: I honor my child with this division. So that no parent has to go through what I've known. This child. That all I care about. I'm gonna bring her home.

The deal doesn't go as planned. Amanda ends up falling to her death. Captain Doyle is forced to resign. Patrick and Angie are forced to live with the guilt of not being able to save Amanda.

Life starts to normalize when another kid goes missing. This time, nobody comes looking to hire Patrick and Amanda. But after a few days, Patrick is approached by his friend (a local drug dealer) who has found Corwin Earle.

Patrick contacts Bressant and Doyle. They approach the house where Corwin Earle is living. Shots come from the house and Doyle is killed. Patrick goes inside the house and finds the body of the kidnapped child. He was raped to death.

Patrick shoots Corwin Earle in the back of the head while he pleads for his life. Afterwards, Patrick is treated like a hero by Angie and Bressant.

Angie: They told me what happened. I'm proud of you. That man killed a child. He had no right to live.

Patrick: You're proud of me?

Angie: Of course I am. You did what you had to do.

Later...

Patrick: They say how old the boy was?

Bressant: Seven.

Patrick: Second grade.

Bressant: Should be proud of yourself. Most guys would've stayed outside.

Patrick: I don't know.

Bressant: What don't you know?

Patrick: My priest says shame is God telling you what you did was wrong.

Bressant: Fuck him.

Patrick: Murder's a sin.

Bressant: Depends on who you do it to.

Later...

Bressant: I planted evidence on a guy once, back in '95. We were paying $100 an eight ball to snitches. We got a call from our pal Ray Likanski. He couldn't find enough guys to rat out. Anyway, he tells us there's a guy pumping up in an apartment up in Columbia Point. We go in, me and Nicky. Fifteen years ago., when Nicky went in, it was no joke. So it's a... it's a stash house, right? The old lady's beat to shit, the husband's mean, cracked out, trying to give us trouble, Nicky lays him down. We're doing an inventory, but it looks like we messed up because there's no dope in the house, and I go in the back room. Now, this place was a shithole, mind you? Rats, roaches, all over the place. But the kid's room, in the back, was spotless. No, I mean, he swept it, mopped it; it was immaculate. The little boy's sitting on the bed, holding onto his playstation for dear life. There's no expression on his face, tears streaming down. He wants to tell me he just learned his multiplication tables.

Patrick: Christ.

Bressant: I mean, the father's got him in this crack den, subsisting on twinkies and ass-whippings, and this little boy just wants someone to tell him that he's doing a good job. You're worried what's Catholic? I mean, kids forgive. Kids don't judge. Kids turn the other cheek. What do they get for it? So I went back out there and put an ounce of heroin on the living room floor and sent the father for a ride, seven to life.

Patrick: That was the right thing?

Bressant: Fucking A! You gotta take a side. You molest a child, you beat a child, you're not on my side. If you see me coming, you better run, because I am gonna lay you the fuck down! Easy.

Patrick: Don't feel easy.

As Patrick reflects on these events he figures out that it was actually Bressant and Amanda's uncle that kidnapped her. This leads to a shootout where Bressant is killed.

Patrick and Angie visit Captain Doyle and discover that Amanda didn't actually fall to her death. It was an elaborate ruse to fake her death and that she was now living with Doyle and his wife.

Patrick has to make a decision. To turn in Doyle and return Amanda to her wretched mother where her chances of having a successful life are practically zero. Or let her remain kidnapped where she will be loved, pampered and spoiled.

Despite the pleadings of Doyle and Angie, Patrick decides to turn Doyle in and return Amanda to her mother.

Patrick: I'm calling state police in five minutes. They'll be here in ten.

Doyle: Thought you would've done that by now. You know why you haven't? Because you think this might be an irreparable mistake. Because deep inside you, you know that it doesn't matter what the rules say. When the lights go out, and you ask yourself "is she better off here or better off there", you know the answer. And you always will. You... you could do a right thing here. A good thing. Men live their whole lives without getting this chance. You walk away from it, you may not regret it when you get home. You may not regret it for a year, but when you get to where I am, I promise you, you will. I'll be dead, you'll be old. But she... she'll be dragging around a couple of tattered, damaged children of her own, and you'll be the one who has to tell them you're sorry.

Patrick: You know what? Maybe that'll happen. And if it does, I'll tell them I'm sorry and I'll live with it. But what's never gonna happen and what I'm not gonna do is have to apologize to a grown woman who comes to me and says: "I was kidnapped when I was a little girl, and my aunt hired you to find me. And you did, you found me with some strange family. But you broke your promise and you left me there. Why? Why didn't you bring me home? Because all the snacks and the outfits and the family trips don't matter. They stole me. It wasn't my family and you knew about it and you knew better and you did nothing". And maybe that grown woman will forgive me, but I'll never forgive myself.

Doyle: I did what I did for the sake of the child. All right. For me, too. But now, I'm asking you for the sake of the child. I'm begging you. You think about it.

Patrick pays a heavy price for turning in Doyle. Angie leaves him. In the end of the movie it seems like he puts himself in a guardian angel position over Amanda. Watching over her to see that she will be okay.

There are 3 moral issues in this movie as I see it. The first one I thought about when this movie was over was whether or not Patrick did the right thing.

One of the weekends that Jill was back from Minnesota, we went over to Jen and Derrick's to watch a movie on their Blu-ray player. Derrick's dad gave Jen and Derrick a Blu-ray player when they moved into their new house in January. I believe this movie watching night was the Saturday following Thanksgiving. It has been 11 months and they still had not watched a movie on their Blu-ray player. This is quite the tragedy in my mind.

I was given the power of selecting the movie on this evening. I chose Gone Baby Gone. Jill chose Full Metal Jacket as a backup.

We might have ended up watching both movies, but the first part of the evening was devoted to watching the Iowa State-Northwestern debacle. Thankfully that is far behind us now.

After watching the movie, I posed the following question to Derrick, Jen and Jill: Did Patrick do the right thing at the end of the movie?

Derrick and Jen thought that Patrick had done the right thing.

Jill agreed with me. Patrick had done the wrong thing.

Then I asked them if Patrick had done the right thing when he executed the pedophile.

Derrick and Jen thought he had done the wrong thing.

Jill agreed with me that he had done the right thing.

However, this is how I think that I am too emotional. Philosophically, I want to be opposed to the death penalty. I want to think that all life is precious. I want to think that I am evolved to a point where I don't believe in vigilante justice. One of my all-time favorite movies is The Ox-Bow Incident. A movie that is about a posse that lynches 3 innocent men.

The movie ends with a member of the posse reading a letter that one of the innocent men has written to his wife. Writing the letter is one of the last things he gets to do before he his hung. That scene is one of the most beautiful movie scenes I have ever seen. The letter reads like this:

My dear Wife, Mr. Davies will tell you what's happening here tonight. He's a good man and has done everything he can for me. I suppose there are some other good men here, too, only they don't seem to realize what they're doing. They're the ones I feel sorry for. 'Cause it'll be over for me in a little while, but they'll have to go on remembering for the rest of their lives. A man just naturally can't take the law into his own hands and hang people without hurtin' everybody in the world, 'cause then he's just not breaking one law but all laws. Law is a lot more than words you put in a book, or judges or lawyers or sheriffs you hire to carry it out. It's everything people ever have found out about justice and what's right and wrong. It's the very conscience of humanity. There can't be any such thing as civilization unless people have a conscience, because if people touch God anywhere, where is it except through their conscience? And what is anybody's conscience except a little piece of the conscience of all men that have ever lived? I guess that's all I've got to say except kiss the babies for me and God bless you. Your husband, Donald.

I love the line, "if people touch God anywhere, where is it except through their conscience?"

Philosophically I want to think. "Just bring him in Patrick. Let the justice system handle him."

But do I really think, "Shoot him Patrick"? You're damn right I do! That is clearly an emotional response that I can't override with my powerful intellect.

It was during this discussion that Jen said something that really stuck with me. In fact, it completely blindsided me. I am paraphrasing, but she said:

"Morgan Freeman's character (Doyle) didn't have much compassion for Amanda's mother. He knew the pain of losing a child and he was willing to put somebody else through it."

It was a Saturday night when she said that. I thought about that for a long time. Of all the characters in the movie, I have the most in common with Doyle, but this is something that had never once even dawned on me. It never occurred to me that somebody might think that what the kidnapper's had done was wrong. How can giving a child a chance at a decent life be wrong?

I told Jen and Derrick that I had one more Gone Baby Gone question for them.

On that Monday I talked to Jill and asked her if she thought that what the kidnappers had done was wrong.

She agreed with me that what the kidnappers had done was dumb and not the best way to handle the situation, but it was still right.

That Wednesday was Iowa State's embarrassing performance against UNI. I already had tickets for the game, so Jen took my season ticket and sat with Derrick. At halftime I went over to talk to them. Jen asked me what was my 1 more Gone Baby Gone question.

I asked them if they thought that the kidnappers had done the wrong thing.

They said that they did think the kidnappers had done the wrong thing. Just because somebody doesn't deserve to be a parent, doesn't give somebody else the right to take their children.

I can see their point intellectually. I understand the reason for the rule of law, even though I don't think people should follow laws that are contrary to their moral code, but I disagree.

I look around and see people who shouldn't be parents and my base emotional response is why not take their kids from them and give them to people who deserve to be parents. People who would actually love the kids and raise them to be proper adults.

Then I think about Derrick's keen insight. He pointed out that the whole movie can be boiled down to one scene involving Patrick and Bressant:

Bressant: Would you do it again? Clip Corwin Earle?

Patrick: No.

Bressant: Does that make you right?

Patrick: I don't know.

Bressant: It doesn't make it wrong though.

I think on my emotional responses to outside stimuli and I tell myself again: "It is a good thing". My emotional response to that is, "Maybe it is."

Gridiron Prophets Year 4

"You know, my dear, the moment I looked into your eyes I knew that you did not have the mind for the noble art of Divination. See? Right here. You may be young in years but the heart that beats beneath your bosom is as shriveled as an old maid's, your soul as dry as the pages of the books to which you so desperately cleave"

-Professor Trelawney

Saturday marked the beginning of the bowl season and the end of another year of regular season competition for the Gridiron Prophets. The winner of this years competition was Robert Henning.

The Final Standings

1. Robert Henning - Bob's Pick 'Em - 2349 Points - 206-55
2. Toby Sebring - Iowa City Spider Pigs - 2323 Points - 209-52
3. Lowell Davis - AC000000 - 2313 Points - 208-53
4. Jason Baier - Beamer Ball - 2312 Points - 211-50
5. Christopher D. Bennett - Bennetdamus - 2262 Points - 207-54
6. Corey Faust - Ricky Stanzi's Beard - 2201 Points - 209-52
7. Mark Wolfram - Taiwan Football - 1206 Points - 109-152
8. Jesse Howard - Mayor Cy McWinner - 548 Points - 50-211
9. Bill Wentworth - Cyguy2333 - 91 Points - 14-230

Past Champions
2006 - Toby Sebring
2007 - Toby Sebring
2008 - Lowell Davis

Robert had finished 2nd the last two years. Robert is no longer the bridesmaid. I will have to get his trophy in the mail. Come to think of it, I never gave Lowell his trophy from last year. I better get on that.

Proust Questionnaire Number Eleven

Proust Quote:
"People can have many different kinds of pleasure. The real one is that for which they will forsake the others."

Confessions Question:
Your favourite occupation.

Confidences Question:
My favorite occupation.

Proust's Answer:
Loving.

Proust does give a pretty darn good answer to this question. But if you were to define occupation as a job, I doubt loving is a paid occupation.

It has long been my dream job to be me. Not to be unemployed necessarily. On the contrary to be paid to be me. To get a healthy paycheck in the mail for simply being me. Once a year I would get a performance review in the mail. It would indicate how well I had done that year at being me and I would be given a healthy raise if I had been true to myself that year or a dismal raise if that year I hadn't been very much me. Either way, the job would come with health insurance and a cost of living wage increase.

I don't think I would need a retirement plan. I couldn't retire from being me. At least not in a way where I would need to continue getting paychecks in the mail.

However, if you define occupation as "any activity in which a person is engaged", then you would have to be a fool not to figure out my favorite occupation. It isn't board games.

This following number has a certain degree of uncertainty in it, but it is in the ball park. At least I doubt it deviates from the truth by more than a few percentage points. Thus far in 2009 I have taken 7,796 photos.

That is a healthy number, but as I reflect upon it, I can only think of a small handful of personal projects that I have made significant progress on this year.

I do not believe in New Year's resolutions. It is folly to wait for an arbitrary point in the Earth's revolution around the sun to decide to make improvements in one's life. Today is the day to make improvements in your life. Nobody is promised tomorrow.

That being written, I do have a handful of goals for 2010. I have started working on these goals already, including lining up a potentially pregnant chick to do some chainsaw work in my yard. One of the goals that does not involve chainsaws is to complete a personal photo project every week. I have completed some personal photo projects in the last couple of weeks and I look forward to sharing some of those in January, when this self-indulgent exercise has ran its regrettable course.

Proust Questionnaire Number Ten

Proust Quote:
"Happiness serves hardly any other purpose than to make unhappiness possible."

Confessions Question:
Your idea of happiness

Confidences Question:
My dream of happiness.

Proust's Answer:
I am afraid it be not great enough, I dare not speak it, I am afraid of destroying it by speaking it.

That Proust sure was a coward. "I am afraid of destroying it..." But he was from France and that is a country that isn't exactly known for its courage.

However, I think there is some truth in the quote that happiness exists to make unhappiness possible. I think it is closer to the truth to say that unhappiness makes the experience of happiness richer. I would also argue that unhappiness is at its lowest depth before happiness arrives. But happiness is a much more powerful (although frailer) emotion than unhappiness. A little drop of happiness blows unhappiness out of the water.

There is a misery questionnaire question where I will repeat this basic information, but I think in general terms, the greatest misery is in waiting for a certain thing to happen. The greatest happiness is when that certain thing happens. That certain thing might not ever happen, therefore a person sometimes has to come to acceptance.

There are certainly things that make me happy. One of them ends frequently with the phrase "Sweet dreams."

I have two friends that are diametrically opposed on the concept of dreams. One friend believes that dreams are an intricate part of life. They should be held up and examined every day and they should be pursued with every breath of your being. If you call his phone, the voicemail message will tell you that you have reached, "Dreams, Incorporated." It is not a real company, so don't give him any money. You won't get it back. But your money will help him pursue his dreams.

This friend's philosophy on dreams would best be summed up by the Marcel Proust quote:

"If a little dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream less but to dream more, to dream all the time."

The other friend thinks that it is pointless to pursue dreams because dreams can't become reality. He once noted that he couldn't "grow bat wings" in reality. All this talk about dreams is a humbug!

This friend's philosophy on dreams would be best summed up by the Baltasar Gracian quote:

"Dreams will get you nowhere, a good kick in the pants will take you a long way."

My philosophy lies somewhere in the middle. I certainly believe that dreams are worth pursuing. To not have aspirations or goals leads to somewhat of an aimless existence, but perhaps I don't follow my dreams with the type of vigor that Friend One does.

If dreams are (what I think they are) our ideas of perfect happiness, then these are a few of my dreams:

Some of these are attainable dreams. Some of them are in the "bat wing" category.

To hear Jay say, "Want to come over and watch a completed version of Games 2 tonight?"
To hear Willy say, "And this is my beautiful wife..."
To hear Shannon say, "Wow! You organized that really well. If this is the caliber of person that Iowa State University produces, I should root for their athletic teams when they play anybody but my beloved UNI Panthers."
To hear Geri D. say, "Opening night for the One Act play you wrote will be..."
To hear Jen say, "Maybe the dogs don't like being dressed up."
To hear Derrick say, "Yeah, Pink Floyd called and they want to open for us on our European Tour. I told them we would get back to them."
To hear Jill say, "I think I have changed my mind... feet are funny, not gross!"
To hear Sara say, "I looked in the mirror and decided, I didn't need that Hello Kitty humidifier."
To hear Monica say, "I just don't have room for all these paintings I have done. Here, take about 5-10 of these off my hands."
To hear Baier say, "I really shouldn't be that emotionally invested in a pro sports team in a city that is 3 hours away from where I live. I think I'm going to take that wasted energy and train my dog to be less racist. Perhaps research unicorn blood in my spare time."
To hear Russell say, "I don't even know why I ever even question anything you say about sports, politics, movies or life. Mr. Bennett, I am in awe of you. In the future, when you speak, I will sit silently and keep notes. It is my greatest fear that some of your wisdom will be lost to the following generations."
To hear Nader say, "The new Harry Potter movie was pretty good."
To hear Andree say, "Maybe I have too many televisions. 7 is a lot for 1 guy."
To hear Scottie D. say, "I apologize for ever questioning your commitment to tenderloins. You may hit me one time."
To hear Eric say, "Dogs are really better than cats. I don't know why I couldn't see that before."
To hear Jesse say, "I've thought about it. Maybe I should worship somebody that actually gets some playing time during the Olympics, rather than that creepy looking Finch girl."

There are more, but I might be on happiness overload just thinking on my dreams.

Taiwan Times - November 2009

Mark's monthly newsletter from Taiwan.

Hey everyone. This is more of a November email, than newsletter. My apologies for not getting a full blown newsletter, and for not sending this in a more timely manner.

I wanted to give you a quick update on how things are going in Taiwan. November was another great month of teaching English and Bible classes. My 7th graders wrapped up a unit on Abraham and began to look at three lessons about the first Christmas. My 8th graders completed their unit on Moses, watched the Prince of Egypt and learned about the 10 commandments. My 10th graders completed a video news project, and my 11th graders wrote compositions focusing on the city of Chia Yi.

Right now, I am fully immersed in Christmas preparations. In fact I will be participating in activities to celebrate Christmas tonight. Christmas is a busy time of year, however the preparations and the activities are a great opportunity that God has given us. Christmas time opens many doors to share the Gospel with those who have not heard it.

Prayer requests:

-Praise God for the opportunities he has given for us to share about Christ at Christmas.
-Pray for energy, patience, and guidance as the other American teachers and I prepare and hold our Christmas activities.
-Pray also for the message that God would use the activities at church and school to bring faith and new life to those that hear it.

God’s peace,
Mark

Proust Questionnaire Number Nine

Proust Quote:
"A powerful idea communicates some of its strength to him who challenges it."

Confessions Question:
Where would you like to live?

Confidences Question:
The country where I should like to live.

Proust's Answer:
A country where certain things that I should like would come true as though by magic, and where tenderness would always be reciprocated.

As I spin a globe I know for certain that I obviously would choose to live nowhere else but the greatest country on God's increasingly less green Earth, The United States of America.

But to think hypothetically, if I could change the United States here are a couple of things I would change to make this a "more perfect union."

Close the gap between the wealthy and the poor. Things that need to change:

• The 400 richest Americans own more than the 150 million poorest Americans.
• Over 40% of GNP comes from Fortune 500 Companies.
• In 1955, the richest tax tier paid an average of 51.2% of their income in taxes. By 2006, the richest paid only 17.2% of their income in taxes.
• In 1955 the proportion of federal income from corporate taxes was 33%. By 2003 that percentage was down to 7.4%.
• In the 60s, 70s, and 80s the average ratio of executive pay to average paycheck was between 30-40 to 1. In 2001, it was 525 to 1. In 2009, the ratio is still an astronomical 317 to 1.
• The top .01% of American earners earned 6% of total U.S. wages.
• The top decile of American earners earned 49.7% of total U.S. wages.

Although some are terrified of the "S" word, this country desperately needs to create a single payer universal health care system.

• The United States is the only wealthy, industrialized nation that does not have a universal health care system.
• In 2006, 47 million Americans were uninsured. 15.8% of the population.
• The United States spends twice as much on health care per capita ($7,129) than any other country. In 2005, health care expenditures totaled $2 trillion.
• 75% of all health care dollars are spent on patients with one or more chronic conditions that could be prevented.
• From 2000 to 2006, overall inflation was 3.5%. Wages increased 3.8%. Health care premiums increased 87%.
• The average family health insurance premium, provided through an employer health benefit program, was $11,480. Employees paid an average of $2,973 towards the premium amount.
• The United States ranks 43rd in lowest infant mortality rate, down from 12th in 1960 and 21st in 1990. Singapore has the lowest rate with 2.3 deaths per 1000 live births, while the United States has a rate of 6.3 deaths per 1000 live births. Some of the other 42 nations that have a lower infant mortality rate than the U.S. include Hong Kong, Slovenia, Canada, Ireland and Cuba.
• Approximately 30,000 infants die in the United States each year. The infant mortality rate is related to the underlying health of the mother, public health practices, socioeconomic conditions and availability and use of appropriate health care for infants and pregnant women.
• Life expectancy at birth in the US is an average of 78.14 years, which ranks 47th in highest total life expectancy compared to other countries.
• About half of the bankruptcy filings in the United States are due to medical expenses.
• More than 40 million adults stated that they needed but did not receive one or more of these health services (medical care, prescription medicines, mental health care, dental care or eyeglasses) in 2005 because they could not afford it.

I would want to live in no other country in the world, but we can do so much better.

Proust Questionnaire Number Eight

Proust Quote:
"Words do not change their meanings so drastically in the course of centuries as, in our minds, names do in the course of a year or two."

Confessions Question:
Your favorite names.

Confidences Question:
My favorite names.

Proust's Answer:
I only have one at a time.

The Proust Quote really nails this question right on the head. How much you like or dislike a name has a direct relationship to the people you know with that name. How much you like or dislike a given name can fluctuate wildly in a couple of years. It can fluctuate wildly in a matter of moments.

To answer the question what are my favorite names is roughly the same as answering who are my favorite people from this year. I don't really care to do that, but I can answer this question with broad enough strokes as to reveal anything exceedingly meaningful (as is my style). Meaning if you eliminate everybody that has a unique name (as it applies to people I really know and have made a certifiable decision on their worth) and look at names at the aggregate level, the following is what I deduce.

I know several people by the following names and they all seem to be good to outstanding people:

Sara(h)
Jason
Mike
William
Jen(nifer)
Cor(e)y
Doris

I know several people by the following names that range from outstanding to worthless:

John
Andy
Diane
Linda
Grace

As I reflect upon it, I can honestly say that I don't think that there is a name that is entirely negative for me. For every doucher I know, I can counterbalance them with a good to great person that has the same name. That is a satisfying piece of knowledge.

Proust Questionnaire Number Seven

Proust Quote:
"Our intonations contain our philosophy of life, what each of us is constantly telling himself about things."

Confessions Question:
Your favorite poets.

Confidences Question:
My favorite poets.

Proust's Answer:
Baudelaire and Alfred de Vigny

I'm not sure that there are any poets that I have "discovered" this year. My affection for William Ernest Henley grew over this past weekend after I saw a movie based on one of his short poems. I had heard the last lines of this poem before, but I don't believe that I had read the whole thing before.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

The title is Latin for unconquered. On Monday mornings I struggle to leave my bed as my body is sore after Sunday night's basketball game I feel like a bit of a wuss, because William Ernest Henley wrote this poem. William Ernest Henley wrote this poem despite suffering from tuberculosis. He wrote this poem despite having his foot amputated directly below the knee. He wrote this poem despite having lived for 30 years with an artificial foot. William Ernest Henley wrote this poem from a hospital bed. And I wince a little bit on Monday mornings because my back is a bit tender.

Of course, my fondness for the poetry of local poet Dawn Krause has increased this year as well. I encourage you to check out her writings on her blog: Impassioned Versifier

One of my favorites of Dawn's poems:

Finding Inspiration

To be creative I must waste my time
Clear my head and be sublime
Find my muse and set it free
Let the words come in to me
Venture mourning and venture death
Give every word it's living breath

Of course there is also the poem that this picture slightly inspired...

Thelma & Louise

Louise a waitress in small town
Not known to be much of a clown
Thelma married without a life
Is miserable as Daryl’s wife

Drive away for weekend retreat
No clue of what fate they’ll meet
Encounter with a macho cad
Turned their weekend from good to bad

A girl cries like that she’s not happy
Keeps the movie from turning sappy
Stop his words and gun him down
Hurry up and get out of town

A hint at Louise’s secret past
Cop with pity wants to help them last
To Mexico they must make haste
Avoiding Texas time to waste


Make a stop to get some money
Thelma finds herself a honey
Sexual awakening for our gal
She learns too late he’s not a pal


Money gone and time running short
To rob a store their last resort
Thelma shows off her new learned skill
Cops closing in armed for the kill

Comic relief in the truck driver
His gestures insult every nine to fiver
Final standoff with obscene man
Set ablaze his rolling gas can

Thelma, Louise in their car sit
Symbolizing fear and grit
A friendship till it’s dying day
That’s something fate can’t take away

There are days when I fancy myself somewhat of a wordsmith, but poetry just isn't in my arsenal. There are days that I wish that it was, but most days I'm thankful that other people have put words together in a way that is pleasing to me and they save me the struggle of having to try to do it myself.

Happy Birthday Jesse!

Today is the anniversary of the birth of Jesse Lee (Lex) Howard. Here is but a poor sampling of pictures of the times we have shared in recent years.



After beating that net!



In Clinton, Iowa on The Road Trip - 2006



With the World's Largest Cheeto



Jesse's Picture on The Friend Wall. Eating a Bob's Dog - LeMars, Iowa



Wearing an Old Lady's Hat



Before Jen and Derrick's Wedding



With Lowell in Arizona



Hanging Out at Snookies after lobbying Tom Harkin's staff.



With his Family



Disappointing Steve.



In the Denver airport.



With his Duke Burger



Enjoying the View of the Falls with Jackson, Faust and Jay.



In Mallard, Iowa



Failing to tickle me.


Of course there are many more pictures of Jesse in the Friends Album of the Snapshots Gallery. (Recently downsized)

Or you can click on the link below:

Jesse Howard

One more time, Happy Birthday Jesse!

Proust Questionnaire Number Six

Marcel Proust Quote:
"Only through art can we emerge from ourselves and know what another person sees."

Confessions Question:
The natural talent I'd like to be gifted with.

Confidences Question:
The gift of nature I would like to have.

Proust's Answer:
Will-power, and seductiveness.

I have many extremely talented friends. God certainly has not shorted me in talents. But as I survey my friends, the two talents that do make me slightly jealous are glaringly obvious.

The natural talents that I wished that I had:











Derrick Gorshe's ability to play the guitar.











Jay Janson's ability to draw. (In fairness, this isn't a good example of Jay's drawing ability, but if you want to try drawing in pitch black, I can set that up.)

Proust Questionnaire Number Five

Marcel Proust Quote:
"Like many intellectuals, he was incapable of saying a simple thing in a simple way."

Confessions Question:
Your favorite qualities in a man.

Confidences Question:
The quality that I desire in a man.

Proust's Answer:
Feminine charms.

Proust and I diverge quite a bit on this answer. (Did I mention that he was gay?) I don't hold extremely strict regimental standards for the genders, but I do have a few thoughts on the matter. If my arm was twisted to give an answer that surpasses the answer I usually give to the question: "What attracts you?" That answer is "creativity".

Understand that I was raised by women, so my views might seem skewed.

There are a few things that I think a man should do:

Shark Week

Not only should a man watch Shark Week, he should have a favorite shark and he should know exactly when Shark Week is being held. If you don't know what Shark Week is, then you are not a man. Period.

I would add that a man should hold a secret wish, deep in his heart (a man's heart is a deep ocean of secrets), to wrestle an alligator someday.

Guy Time

This is more advice than a standard. A guy should have at least one night where he can get together with other guys and do guy stuff and talk about guy things and re-charge the testosterone. A guy needs a weekly dinner club with other guys. A guy needs a weekly basketball game. A guy needs a weekly bowling night.

If a man doesn't get guy time he starts having opinions on things like slip covers or dining sets. Before you know it, he is getting invited to Pampered Chef parties.

Monsters

A guy should have a favorite. It is okay for a woman to not be able to pick between Godzilla and King Kong, but a man has to take a stand. Maybe before their epic confrontation in 1962 a man could straddle the fence between giant lizard and giant ape, but those days are over. A man has to pick a side. King Kong or Godzilla. You can root for them both when they aren't fighting each other, but when they are fighting each other you have to pick a side.

Logic

A man doesn't necessarily have to be able to use logic, but he should at least be able to point out the logical fallacies in a woman's argument. If a man doesn't know the difference between Ad Hominem and a Red Herring, I think he should lose his Man Card.

Outdoor Skills

A man should possess at least some basic outdoor skills. No, falling through ice into a stream is not a basic outdoor skill but that doesn't mean it isn't manly. If he doesn't run back to the car whimpering like a little girl. But I digress. A man should be able to start a fire, set up a tent, tell direction based on the position of the sun and make basic taxonomic identifications.

Opinions

A man should have opinions. Not on everything, but just about everything. A man should have an opinion on where you can find the best tenderloin (BK's), club sandwich (West Street Deli) or nachos (Skip's). A man should have an opinion on religion, politics and current events. A man should also be able to back up these opinions without having to use the phrase "I feel".

Unicorn Blood

A man knows that unicorn blood is silver.

There are also a couple of things that I would like to point out that it is okay for a man to do, that aren't normally considered manly:

Crying at the Movies

It is okay for a man to cry at the movies. It shows a sensitive soul and the ability to show empathy. Plus when a boy has to shoot a dog that saved his life several times because the dog contracted hydrophobia while saving that boy's life, that is really, really sad. When the Tin Man says, "Now I know I have a heart, because it's breaking." That is really, really sad. I don't care what set of reproductive organs you are lugging around this planet.

Scented Candles

It is also okay for a man to decorate his domicile with scented candles. There is nothing wrong with wanting your place to smell good.

However, there are a few things that a man should never do.

Bad Weather Punkout

A man should never changer or alter his plans because of bad weather. A man doesn't leave work early or skip work because there is a little snow on the ground. A man never calls another man and says, "Do you still think we should go to the game? It is pretty nasty out there." A man can call another man and say, "We might need to leave a little early for the game. Probably going to be some morons out on the road tonight."

Early Departure

A man doesn't leave a game early. I don't care if it is freezing cold and your team is losing by 56 points. A man stays until the last bitter second ticks off the game clock.

Sweater Vest

I personally don't wear sweaters at all, but I concede that there is a purpose for sweaters. However, a man should never wear a sweater vest unless they are doing it in an ironic way. Even then, the man most likely won't get the benefit of the doubt from me.

Cats

A man owns a manly animal. Cats do not qualify in any way shape or form. Okay, if you owned a tiger or a puma, that would be manly, but your ordinary house cat does not qualify. With a tail or without a tail. Doesn't matter. A man doesn't own a cat. He owns a dog or a rat or fish that eat other fish.

Above all things, a man doesn't carry around pictures of his cat on his cell phone to show the waitress at Okoboji Grill!

Sandals

There is a reason that when I was looking for a foot to match the hand, my choice wasn't a man. (There are other reasons than that, but for the sake of this diatribe let us pretend that there was only one reason.) The man's foot is not pretty. It isn't even "funny". It is gross. I don't want to see it. Cover it up boys.

And don't give me that "Jesus wore sandals" hogwash either. He wore shoes that were consistent with the historical period in which he lived. I know that the Son of Man could bring the dead back to life, cure lepers, return sight to the blind and walk on water. I concede that he could have made a nice pair of LeBron AirMax VII shoes appear out of thin air. But do you really think Jesus would have endorsed a product that was surely made by small children in a Vietnamese sweatshop for a penny and a beating a day? No he wouldn't. He would be too busy feeding the multitude with five loaves and two fish.

Not to mention, how distracting would it have been? He would be trying to teach people the Lord's Prayer and they would just be staring at Jesus' future shoes.

Proust Questionnaire Number Four

Marcel Proust Quote:
"A change in the weather is sufficient to recreate the world and ourselves."

Confessions Question:
Your favorite motto.

Confidences Question:
My motto.

Proust's Answer:
I should be too afraid that it bring me misfortune.

The truth is that while I learned many a thing this year, I still think the words that make me think and motivate me haven't really changed.

In reality it is rather difficult for me to pick just one motto. I certainly attempt to adhere to the words on a Del Taco cup that urged me to "Go Bold or Go Home." I certainly ruminate on the Thomas Merton words that: "The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little."

But I think the words I think about the most still come from a religious writer whose opinions and theories are far from my beliefs, most of the time. The words of Everyday Grace written by Marrianne Williamson in her book A Return to Love.

The quote that is most famous is the one that was slightly modified for Akeelah and the Bee:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I have found this to be the case. I am reminded of my favorite church service of the season. Candlelight Service on Christmas Eve. I love seeing a whole room of candles lit by just one candle. I am reminded of the wisdom that points out that when one candle lights another candle, the first candle doesn't dim.

As I'm sure many people have read or heard the quote, let me put it in slightly more context with the paragraphs that surround it.

We're tempted to think that we're more impressive when we put on airs. We're not, of course; we're rather pathetic when we do that. The Course states, "Grandiosity is always a cover for despair," The light of Christ shines most brightly within us when we relax and let it be, allowing it to shine away our grandiose delusions. But we're afraid to let down our masks. What is really happening here, unconsciously, is not that we are defending against our smallness. The ego is actually in those moments, defending against God.

As I interpret the Course, 'our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

A miracle worker is an artist of the soul. There's no higher art than living a good life. An artist informs the world of what's available behind the masks we all wear. That's what we're all here to do. The reason so many of us are obsessed with becoming stars is because we're not yet starring in our own lives. The cosmic spotlight isn't pointed at you; it radiates within you. I used to feel like I was waiting for someone to discover me, to "produce" me, like Lana Turner at the drugstore. Ultimately I realized that the person I was waiting for was myself. If we wait for the world's permission to shine, we will never receive it. The ego doesn't give that permission. Only God does, and He has already done so. He has sent you here as His personal representative and is asking you to channel His love into the world. Are you waiting for a more important job? There isn't one.

I love the phrase artist of the soul. I love the concept that there is no higher art than living a good life. It reminds of the Picasso quote that used to reside on the top of this website:

"Art is not truth. Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth."

I am also reminded to be thankful for the soul artists that are in my life and motivates me to be one for the people that surround me.

Happy Birthday and a Farewell

Today is Carrie's birthday. Happy Birthday Carrie!





Carrie got to spend a good portion of her birthday with her family and with me in Ledges. I will post some of those pictures in January. It will include a picture of the aftermath of my falling through some thin ice past my knees into Pea's Creek. That was on the chilly side.

But today is also a day for wishing an old friend good luck as he embarks on a new adventure. Shadi is returning to Jordan to continue his academic career.





I had a farewell lunch with Shadi on Thursday. It was a welcome walk down memory lane. Although he is coming back to visit now and again (he is refusing to say "goodbyes"), I'm still going to miss the guy.

Happy Birthday Brandon!

Today is the birthday of my nephew and the eldest son of my eldest sister.

So Happy Birthday Brandon!





For more quality images of Brandon, you can visit the Family Album in the Snapshots Gallery. Or you can click on the link below:

Brandon

Brandon has his own car and a job he hates. That makes him a man now in my book.

Proust Questionnaire Number Three

Marcel Proust Quote:
"We are able to find everything in our memory, which is like a dispensary or chemical laboratory in which chance steers our hand sometimes to a soothing drug and sometimes to a dangerous poison."

Confessions Question:
Your favorite colour and flower.

Confidences Question:
My favorite colour.

There is a separate Confidences question that reads:
The flower that I like.

Proust's Answers:
The beauty is not in the colours, but in their harmony.

And

Hers/His - and after, all of them.

Ohhhhh, Proust you and your sexual innuendo! Well played, sir.

But I do have to give the man credit. The answer to his color question is brilliant. I don't have a favorite color. I'd almost say that having a favorite color is borderline foolish. All colors have a purpose and their power is really in how one plays off of each other. If you have spent any time trying to pick out the right color mat for a photo of a flower you know of what I speak.

I don't think that it is the fact that black and white will always be my primary love in photography that makes me think in this manner.

As for a favorite flower. I admittedly know very little about flowers and I'm not even sure that it is fitting for somebody that is as decidedly manly (I belched as I typed that for emphasis) as I am to even have a favorite flower.

I see flowers how I see colors. They each have a purpose, but since I posed this question to somebody over the weekend and got the answer back immediately (which means it was answered with a decided degree of conviction), daisies and stargazers, I should in fairness at least share my favorite flower pictures from this year.



The Solace of Ordinary Humanity



Monica's Childhood



The Eternal Seductiveness of Life



A Proud Assertion



Hieroglyphics of Angels



Love's Truest Language



Where Love Waits



Plant's Highest Fulfillment


I realize now that one of my many failures this year was not getting to the State Center Rose Garden. That is something I will have to remedy in 2010.

The other day I came across a quote by author Alice Walker that I think also helps tie this question up:

"If you pass by the color purple in a field and don't notice it, God gets real pissed off."

That is one of the main tenets of this website as well.

Proust Questionnaire Number Two

Marcel Proust Quote:
"We become moral when we are unhappy."

Confessions Question:
What you appreciate the most in your friends.

Confidences Question:
What I appreciate most about my friends.

Proust's Answer:
To have tenderness for me, if their personage is exquisite enough to render quite high the price of their tenderness.

I have always had a 100% commitment to the truth and I will remind you, before you read this, that there is truth in lies if you can collect enough of them.

The thing I appreciate most about my friends is their ability to use me. In fact, let's just take a look back at all the ways that my friends used me in 2009:

• Used me so that they wouldn't have to go to the movies alone.
• Used me to help them climb a mountain.
• Used me as a passenger in that sweet electric car.
• About 15 or so people used me to have fun painting my house.
• About 20 or so people used me to get some exercise by helping me move.
• Used me as an excuse to buy me Toast 'Ems.
• Used me to practice their basketball game.
• About 50 or so people used me for a free meal and stimulating conversation.
• Used me to practice pitting cherries and their pie baking skills.
• Used me to take pictures of them playing with sparklers.
• Used me to keep them company while they hung out on a bridge in the middle of the night.
• Used me to take pictures of them playing with sparklers again.
• Used me to lead them on a semi-successful The Road Trip.
• Used me to take pictures of their hand.
• Used me to take them to Mankato to visit Faust.
• Used me to make their alligator shirt look good.
• Used me by inspiring me to make images of me with my trombone.
• Used me by showing off their awesome skills on my ferocious facial hair.
• Used me by having me lead them to a semi-successful trip to Kansas City.
• Used me by loaning me their dog for a week.
• Used me by exploiting my love of the tenderloin.
• Used me by coming over to my house and carving an awesome pumpkin.

I hope my friends are able to use me this much or more next year. With the exception of the moving part. If I move again in the next 2 years my life most likely left the tracks again.

Proust Questionnaire Number One

Marcel Proust filled out the questionnaire twice. The first time was in either 1885 or 1886 in an English confessions album. The second time was in either 1891 or 1892 in the French album Les confidences de salon. There are some questions unique to both questionnaires and the wording is slightly different in both questionnaires.

To start this exercise (perhaps in futility) I will share one of my favorite Marcel Proust quotes, pose the questions both ways and share Proust's answers to the questionnaire in Confidences.

Marcel Proust quote:
"Love is a reciprocal torture."

Confessions Question:
Your favorite heroes in fiction.

Confidences Question:
My heroes in fiction.

Proust's Confidences' Answer
Hamlet.

To remain true to the 19th century spirit of this question I am going to only consider literary characters and not fictional movie or television characters. Although it is really hard not to pick a fictional character like Glenn Beck. That character is hilarious! Brilliant parody of paranoid, right wing nut job! He has to be playing a character, right? Nobody with half a working brain could truly let loose the things that fall out of that guy's mouth.

The label "elitist" has falsely been placed upon me many a time. I do not consider myself an elitist just because compared to some of my other fellow members of the human race I actually have standards.

Teresa knows not to ask me for Nicholas Sparks novels for Christmas. In fact, when my Mom and I went Christmas shopping for Teresa last year and she picked up a Nicholas Sparks book for Teresa I refused to let it be placed near the same bag as a book that I had picked up. It also had to ride in the trunk the whole way back from Des Moines. I'm not sharing any of the car cabin space with anything that guy put to print.

My reputation is great enough that when Elainie put the Twilight books on her Christmas list this year Teresa asked me if she should bother copying that over to my Christmas list book. (Teresa makes books that contain everybody's Christmas list so that it easier to carry with you when you go Christmas shopping.)

I told her that Elainie is a teenage girl. It is acceptable for her to be reading such trash. But I would hope that she would aim higher in her literary pursuits in the future. Of course, there is no way that Elainie will be getting those books from me. My skin burns when I touch reading material that is beneath me. Even if I'm only buying it for somebody else. It is an allergic reaction that can't be helped.

Despite my standing as the family literary snob, I actually have read very few fiction books this year. In fact, I don't even think I've cracked open a book by either of my favorite authors: J.D. Salinger or Nathanael West.

The fact I have read so few fiction books makes it rather easy to answer this question. My favorite fictional hero that I met this year is the title character from Edith Wharton's novel Ethan Frome.

According to the back cover of my Dover Thrift Edition of Ethan Frome, Ethan is:

Burdened by poverty and spiritually dulled by a loveless marriage to an older woman, Frome is emotionally stirred by the arrival of a youthful cousin who is employed as household help. Mattie's presence not only brightens a gloomy house but stirs long-dormant feelings in Ethan. Their growing love for one another, discovered by an embittered wife, presages an ending to this grim tale that is both shocking and savagely ironic.

Since I doubt anybody will rush out to read this small book, I will just let you know why this book and character stuck with me, even though it will ruin the shocking and savagely ironic ending somewhat.

Ethan is stuck in a loveless marriage. He is in love with his wife's cousin Mattie and Mattie loves him back. But he is paralyzed by the times he lives in and a mountain of debt and his personal code of morality. One of my favorite paragraphs exhibits the paralysis that has stricken Ethan.

Ethan had imagined that his allusion might open the way to the accepted pleasantries, and these perhaps in turn to a harmless caress, if only a mere touch on the hand. But now he felt as if her blush had set a flaming guard about her. He supposed it was his natural awkwardness that made him feel so. He knew that most young men made nothing at all of giving a pretty girl a kiss, and he remembered the night before, when he had put his arm about Mattie, she had not resisted. But that had been out-of-doors, under the open irresponsible night. Now, in the warm lamplit room, with all its ancient implications of conformity and order, she seemed infinitely farther away from him and more unapproachable.

Because Ethan and Mattie can't be together in life, they decide to be together in death. They make a suicide pact where they sled down a hill together into a large elm tree.

Her pleadings still came to him between short sobs, but he no longer heard what she was saying. Her hat had slipped back and he was stroking her hair. He wanted to get the feeling of it into his hand, so that it would sleep there like a seed in winter. Once he found her mouth again, and they seemed to be by the pond together in the burning August sun. But his cheek touched hers, and it was cold and full of weeping, and he saw the road to the Flats under the night and heard the whistle of the train up the line.

The spruces swathed them in blackness and silence. They might have been in their coffins underground. He said to himself: "Perhaps it'll feel like this. . ." and then again: "After this I sha'n't feel anything. . ."

The sledding accident doesn't kill Ethan or Mattie. They are both crippled and Mattie's sweet disposition turns sour. Ethan spends the rest of his life with the wife that he despises and with a woman that is but a shadow of the woman that he loves.

It is a bitter life, but Ethan continues on every day with a daily reminder of his shattered dreams of happiness.