I witnessed something so shocking on Tuesday night that after I got over the initial numbness, I reached out to some close friends who helped guide me through the mental issues that I was having to overcome.
I should state to clear my good name and recriminate Nader, it was not my idea to go see Piranha 3-D. I wanted to go see Scott Pilgrim, but Nader refused to see that movie because he thinks that it has the guy in it from Adventureland even though I’ve told him 100 times that it isn’t the same guy that is in Adventureland.
Since Nader couldn’t be convinced that Micahel Cerra and Jesse Eisenberg are not the same person, we went to see Piranha 3-D. It was the first horror movie I’ve seen in the theater since The Devil’s Rejects in 2005. It might be another 5 years before I see another horror movie in the theater.
Because of the frankness of the situation, I am going to keep all the parties anonymous.
I texted Friends 2 and 3:
“I just saw a movie where a fish eats a penis in 3-D!”
I texted Friend 4:
“Is there a scene in Scott Pilgrim where a fish eats a penis in 3D, cause there sure as hell is one in Piranha?”
I texted Friends 5, 6 & 7:
“This can’t wait until the morrow. There is a scene in Piranha where a fish eats a penis in 3D.”
I texted Friend 1:
“I have to get this off my chest. In Piranha there is a scene where a fish eats a penis in 3D. I’m traumatized.”
Friend 4 texted back:
“No there isn’t.”
Friend 7 texted back:
“wtf”
Friend 2 texted back:
“”
Then Friend 2 texted back:
“That is WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! I don’t need to even ask how the movie was now.”
I texted Friend 7:
“Exactly.”
I texted Friend 4:
“I thought every movie would like to include such a scene.”
Friend 6 texted:
“Yeah, its worth sharing. First time in a while, I don’t know what to say.”
I texted Friend 2:
“There was no warning. All of a sudden it just happened.”
I texted Friend 6:
“I feel disoriented. I think I’m in shock. My body is cold, but that might be because I’m standing in the freezer section of Hy-Vee.”
Friend 2 texted:
“Obviously funded by those man haters at Lifetime Movie Network.”
Friend 6 texted:
“Maybe they figured no one would see the movie and just threw in something to make it unforgettable. Its a hell of a story, anyway.”
I texted Friend 2:
“They should put a warning label on movies that contain violence against penis. So we would know not to go see them.”
I texted Friend 6:
“It definitely worked. I will never be able to wash this image from my brain.”
Friend 2 texted:
“AGREED!”
Friend 6 texted:
“Sick thing is, I’m almost convinced I will rent it on dvd. Not sure what that says about myself.”
Friend 1 texted:
“EWWWWWW!!!!”
I texted Friend 6:
“You might not want to after I tell you the full story. I will tell you tomorrow at dinner.”
Friend 4 texted:
“Now that’s a groundbreaking movie! I’m thinking Oscar. I that that piranha is Lorena Bobbitt’s pet. BTW, what did Nader say to that?”
I texted Friend 1:
“I’m pretty sure I’m going to have nightmares.”
Friend 6 texted:
“Ok”
I texted Friend 4:
“I swear to God he said: ‘Look at that cocksucker!'”
Friend 1 texted:
“I hope U aren’t permanenty traumatized!”
I texted Friend 1:
“You will have to forgive me if I get distant and weird(er).”
Friend 1 texted:
“Indeed I will, and I will completely understand.”
Friend 2 texted:
“Did u have sympathy pain?”
Friend 4 texted:
“Spoken like a true critic! Awesome job channeling Gene Siskel’s spirit. Couldn’ have said it better myself.”
I texted Friend 2:
“Not yet, but I think I might when I come out of shock.”
Friend 4 texted:
“I agree, that now makes me wanna see the movie.”
I texted Friend 4:
“It was the goriest horror movie I’ve ever seen.”
Friend 4 texted:
“From you that’s saying something.”
I finished the long drive home knowing that my bed and the nightmares to come would be there to greet me.
