Your Real World Away

Today is Valentine’s Day. I have been told that today is a holiday invented by the greeting card companies. I don’t know if that is the case, but I can’t think of the greeting card industry without thinking about one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies of the last 10 years. 11 years actually. The scene where Tom quits the greeting card company in 500 DAYS OF SUMMER:

(Sorry, some mild profanity)

(set at a meeting to discuss new greeting card ideas)

Tom: Yeah, uh, this is… And Rhoda, no disrespect, but um, this is total shit.


Tom: “Go for it” “You can do it”? That’s not inspirational, that’s suicidal. If pickles goes for it right there, that’s a dead cat. These are lies. We’re liars. Think about it. Why do people buy these things? It’s not ’cause they wanna say how they feel. People buy cards ’cause they can’t say how they feel or they’re afraid too. We provide the service that lets them off the hook. You know what? I say to hell with it. Let’s level with America. At least let them speak for themselves! Right? I mean, look! What-What is this? What does it say? “Congratulations on your new baby.” Right? How ’bout, “Congratulations on your new baby. Guess that’s it for hanging out. Nice knowing you.”

Sit down, Hansen.

How bout this one, with all the pretty hearts on the front? I think I know where this ones going. Yep! “Happy Valentines Day, sweetheart. I love you.” That sweet? Ain’t love grand? This is exactly what I’m talking about. What does that even mean, “love”? Do you know? Do you? Anybody?


If somebody gave me this card, Mr. Vance, I would eat it. It’s these cards, and the movies and the pop songs, they’re to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything. We’re responsible. *I’m responsible.* I think we do a bad thing here. People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, not you know, some words that some stranger put in their mouths. Words like “love”… that don’t mean anything. Sorry, I’m sorry. I, uh… I quit. I’m… There’s enough bullshit in the world without my help.

Well anyways, I made you a picture for Valentine’s Day:

Valentine's Day - 2020

Happy Valentine’s Day! Hope yours is exactly how you want it to be!


I’ve resolved to make public the dates and movies of Union Street Theater’s Monthly Movie Night, because (and get this) you are invited! February Movie Night will be very special, it is going to be a Leap Day Movie Night.

Date: Saturday, February 29, 2020
Time: 6 PM
Place: Union Street Theater
Address: 1416 Union Street, Boone, Iowa

The theme this month is romance. The B movie is TEETH.


Here is a quick synopsis of the film:

Dawn (Jess Weixler) is an active member of her high-school chastity club but, when she meets Tobey (Hale Appleman), nature takes its course, and the pair answer the call. They suddenly learn she is a living example of the vagina dentata myth, when the encounter takes a grisly turn.

The feature will be RED ROCK WEST:


I get it. I know what you’re thinking. Nicolas Cage is the worst! And you are almost right. Kevin Costner is actually the worst and Nicolas Cage is the second worst. Remember that while Cage is awful, he did manage to make RAISING ARIZONA and ADAPTATION. 2 great movies! All Kevin Costner can say is that he was in THE UNTOUCHABLES where Sean Connery carried him.

Here is a quick synopsis of RED ROCK WEST:

When unemployed ex-marine Michael Williams (Nicolas Cage) stumbles into a bar in Red Rock, Wyo., the owner, Wayne (J.T. Walsh), mistakes him for a hired killer and offers him $10,000 to kill his wife, Suzanne (Lara Flynn Boyle). Michael plays along, taking half the money up front, then tells Suzanne what her husband is planning. She seduces Michael and proposes that he kill her husband instead. While he weighs his options, the real killer (Dennis Hopper) turns up looking for his money.

I believe that Jay will be holding his second Root Beer Symposium that night, so an added bonus will be blind taste testing a series of root beers.

I can’t guarantee your mental health if you attend Union Street Theater Movie Night. I still believe that Movie Night broke Willy.

March Movie Night will be a tribute to the great Kirk Douglas. Movies have yet to be determined at this time.


This is your reminder that this week’s THE WEEKLY PHOTO CHALLENGE theme is FAMILY:


A FAMILY photo is any photo of a group of people that share a common relationship or common values or common purpose or even common DNA.

Happy photo harvesting!

7 thoughts on “Your Real World Away”

  1. Hold up. “Teeth,” a movie about evil vagina dentata, is “the most alarming cautionary tale for men since FATAL ATTRACTION?” Is this the thing about which every man in the dating world should be primarily concerned? If a guy puts “no VDs, please” on his Tinder or whatever, is he specifically meaning vagina dentata?

  2. I can’t give you a thoughtful answer to this question until after I’ve seen the movie on February 29. I had never heard of vagina dentata and now I have many questions. Questions I hope to have answered by this movie.

  3. I have given a fair amount of thought to this question because I wish to give a thoughtful answer, but the truth is that I’m just not sure. The rules of vagina dentata are hard to predict.

    At first, it seemed that vagina dentata was a defense against sexual assault. A step brother who put a finger where he shouldn’t. A boyfriend who can’t stop himself because he “hasn’t jerked off since Easter”. However, the defense mechanism doesn’t kick in during a scene I would describe as pretty rapey. I guess in the end it seemed consensual, maybe. But the dude definitely drugs her and she doesn’t seem in full control of her faculties. So in my book, it seems like rape. However, the defense mechanism doesn’t kick in and in perhaps in an ode to 70s cinema, she likes it and falls in love with a guy who seems like a rapist to me.

    Because there is a myth that vagina dentata can be conquered by a hero, she considers this guy a hero and they have sex again. Only this time, he answers a phone call in the middle of the act and she figures out that he had a wager with his buddy that he would be able to deflower the schools reigning abstinence queen. It is at this point the dentata kicks in and he loses his member.

    Now I can see interpreting this one or two ways. Either she has learned how to control the dentata or the sexing was no longer consensual and the dentata auto-kicked in.

    Even if she hasn’t learned to control it at this point, she definitely has learned to control it or at least how to unleash it.

    After her mother dies, she “seduces” her stepbrother, whom she feels is responsible for her mom’s death. Claims his member and then hits the road. She is picked up by an old man who locks her in the car and makes suggestive tongue movements towards her. At this point she breaks down the 4th wall by looking at the camera and you know this old timer is about to rue the day that Viagra was invented. Fade to black.

    So to answer your question of whether or not this should be a great fear for single men in the dating world. Halfway through the movie, I would’ve said “No”. Only rapists need to worry about dentata. But then the scene where I feel she was drugged and raped made me think that you don’t need to fear it if you drug your women first. Then the fact that she was able to weaponize her dentata in the last third of the movie makes me think that even men that only engage in consensual sexual acts also have to be afraid. There just isn’t a clear message and that is what makes it so scary. Maybe the message is to always treat your woman well. Because you never know.

    Hope that was thoughtful enough for you.

  4. I definitely don’t love the ending of that… but I suppose it’s better than if they just left it after the scene where she was drugged and raped, because then that’s the message that every hillbilly watching will get. Which is obviously problematic.

    Unrelated question, does this blog entry presumably use the words “vagina” and “rape” more than any other?

  5. I honestly don’t think that the filmmaker was going for a drugged rape scene, but it is definitely how it came off. I don’t think many people are still seeing this movie though. However, if you are looking for a movie with lots of special effects penis, this movie might be for you.

    Probably the most comments about vagina, unless you count my review of VAGINA MONOLOGUES I did in… just kidding still haven’t seen that. Yeah, lots of rape references. Amazingly not one reference to our Sexual Assaulter in Chief.

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